


A Piece Of You

by RaeC



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-01-31
Updated: 2000-08-13
Packaged: 2017-11-10 13:23:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/466767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaeC/pseuds/RaeC
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Challenge Response involving Daniel going nuts, being separated from SG-1, torrential rain, thunder and lightning, and a malfunctioning or non-functioning gate</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Surrender

#### 1\. Rain

Death rattled in the gravelly noise uttered from the foul carcass haphazardly sprawled on the ground. The abused vocal cords strained to croak forth the simple sound. It meant nothing and everything. It could either mean Heaven or eternal damnation. A simple benediction for moisture to sooth his parched throat, or inbred horror for yet another night spent on this dreadful planet; salvation, even the promise of death. 

Last of all, the coming storm meant an end. The long lump flexed body parts as he rose from the ground, bracing hands and knees on the uneven surface. He could smell the rain coming. It invaded the overly sensitized nose, bringing the man from sleep to awake in seconds with pure terror. Pain flashed insistent messages to the creature's brain, commanding his attention. 

A cry of agony was ripped from his throat as he fell to the side clutching the calf of his long slender leg. *Oh God!* The pain of the forgotten wound reasserted itself. A long infected gash split his right calf open from the knee to the top of his heel. A wound received in the many escapes from approaching tempests such as the one forming. Daniel's body and mind wouldn't survive many more. He was shortly approaching his limit. His body already raged with fever, in fact he doubted he would survive the night as it was. He couldn't keep enough water on hand to quench his endless thirst. 

Even with all the rain pouring down daily on this planet, water was a hard commodity to come by. The water soaked into the sponge like ground almost as soon as it fell. He had tried digging to reach the water table, but the moisture laden earth soon tumbled into whatever hole he created. 

Shelters were impossible to construct on the storm-ridden orb without the proper tools, which he did not have. In fact the storms ripped most loose debris around within seconds of its arrival. Nothing, he had nothing. Despair washed over him once more as he lay shaking in torment on the ground. His mind wandered over possible plans of escape. He had fallen to the ground in exhausted slumber unmindful of his surroundings. 

Now a storm approached without shelter close by. The storms had increased in intensity and frequency since his arrival on this planet, alone and without his teammates to help him survive. It was all part of some demented test chosen by a race of people whom he had come to suspect thrived on the adversity of others. 

"At least you don't have to suffer with me, Jack." 

"Did I hear my name?" 

"Jack!" 

"Yeah, Space Monkey, it's me." 

"Oh gods, why is it every time I call your name, you appear? Now I know I'm losing it." 

"Don't worry Danny, I'll get you outta here." 

"I'm not going to make it Jack. I know it, so do you." Daniel lay back in hopeless surrender. 

It had been this promise Daniel most feared. No warmth, no rest, constantly on edge avoiding the forces of nature knocking at his door yet he knew he would end up dying just the same. He was tired. So very, very tired. The discomfort of many injuries, combined with little sleep and malnutrition drew Daniel toward the darkness of oblivion. 

"Daniel!" 

A voice teased at the edge of subconciousness. 

"Daniel!" 

Danny struggled to sit, vainly trying to remember whom he was, where he was. He ran his hands hastily over his body. His clothes were mere tattered remnants hanging together by threads. Bits of bare, bruised and broken skin peaked through the many rips and tears. He tried to brush the dirt free, frantically scratching at the encrusted skin. 

"No, no, no, no..." He repeated over and over as he tried to free the membrane from the dirty confines of its sheath. Grabbing a handful of the earth from the ground next to him, Danny furiously tore at his arm. The abused forearm reddened, blood seeping forth as rocks and harsh litter from the handful of earth ground into the exposed area ripping both cloth and skin. 

"Danny, stop it!" 

"I have to get it off, Jack. Can't you see it? Look!" Danny stopped scrubbing his skin long enough to thrust the bloodied arm in Jack's face. "Dirt! Everywhere dirt!" 

"Stop it, Danny. I'll get you clean. Just stop." 

"Jack?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Storm's coming Jack." 

"I know. We need shelter. Anything close by?" 

"Um, yeah." Danny started, nodding the disheveled mess hanging lankly from his head. Leaves and twigs coated the sundry layers of grime. His facial hair sported the gory remnants of various meals and matched his head twig for twig. Daniel had resembled a human being less and less as the days passed. He was nothing more than a wild creature of the forest at this point, barely managing thought. Collapsing back, his cerulean orbs focused on the threat of the coming storm. It was the one thing left on which to focus. 

It had been months since he thought beyond food, shelter, or survival. A chance encounter with wildlife left a carcass lying bloodied and broken upon the very earth where Daniel now lay. He sighed with despair. It was this spot exactly, his mind recalled, where his humanity first started to fade in preference to survival. Shudders racked his frame with horror. 

"Why me?" He spoke out loud. Tears for what could have been slipped from the corners of his eyes leaving dusky tracks along his temples. His features contracted with pain and remorse. 

"Damn it! What do you want from me?" The tortured sound was barely a whispered crackle above the coming thunder of the approaching storm. The clouds hovered just within sight, sending forest remnants flying through the air, dropping within ten feet of the supine man. Fingers of lighting danced across the black core of tempest. They reached for the ground walking along the land, blazing titans stalking Daniel's form. Danny barely comprehended the threat, his mind exhausted from the struggle of being alone, frighteningly alone, for so long. 

"Danny, you have to move!" shouted a familiar voice in his ear. 

"Jack", he breathed. "You're back." Danny smiled tenderly turning his head toward the voice. "I'm so tired, Jack." He reached with a trembling hand toward the shimmering image at his side. The figure disappeared as soon as his hand reached the space it had occupied. 

"On your feet, Jackson!" The specter had moved to his feet. Danny raised his head to look at the vengeful apparition standing with his hands on his hips commanding Daniel's attention. 

"Go away Jack." He intoned bitterly. "I'm not going to make it. You know it." 

"Jackson if you are not on your feet and running toward that cave back there in ten seconds, I'm going to shoot you myself where you lay." 

"I can't. I'll never reach it before the storm gets here. My leg's broke Jack. Don't you remember?" 

"Oh for crying out loud! Danny, this is not a dream." 

"So nice...of you...," Daniel struggled to answer. "Wanted...you." His breathing labored, Daniel tried again. "Thanks." Danny had finally made his choice. 

"Will miss you." Danny coughed clutching his broken ribs as he drifted off toward oblivion. "Sorry, Jack. Really so very...very sorry. Love..." Pain finally drove Daniel over the edge into its waiting black depths. 

#### 2\. If Tomorrow Never Comes

The clock ticked in the background, echoing in the sterile bay of the Stargate. The silent sentinel waited ominously for the first trembling hiss of the promise of action. A new day awaited yet it had been quiet for over 14 hours now. Jack paced back and forth to keeping watch, awaiting for some sign of life from the Gate. 

Most folks had already gone home to their families to celebrate the holidays leaving but a skeleton crew to man the fort at the SGC. Only one man remained unaccounted for six hours before the clock struck midnight....Dr. Daniel Jackson. 

"Missing," muttered Jack. 'Missing for over seven days. Is he ever going to come home?' Jack slumped into a chair dejected. It was time to face reality, Daniel wasn't going to come home. He wasn't coming back. Daniel was lost somewhere out there. 

A small drop of moisture escaped, tracking its way down his check as Jack left the Gateroom. His hands tucked into his pockets, Jack plodded the stark hallway to the mournfully lilting refrain of 'lost, lost, lost.' 

'Daniel, where are you?' Jack stopped dead in the barren corridor. He reached into his shirt pulling a worn volume from its depths. Carressing the dark leather with his thumbs, Jack focused his eyes towards a heaven he couldn't see seeking divine inspiration. 

"Ya know?" Jack spoke outloud in the emptiness. "Any help you could give here....any at all?" Sarcastic to the end. Oh yeah, that would work Jack. 

He opened the worn journal again. It was again, the twentieth time that day....his eyes centering on the last words written: 

'If tomorrow never comes, or if by some chance I don't make it back alive, I have this...finally, I have someone who I love.' 

'I've had time to watch him sleep. Time to be his friend. Time to have earned his respect. Maybe, just maybe, one day, I can tell Jack what he means to me....' 

Jack closed the journal forcefully. He didn't want to read any more. Oh God he hurt. Hurt almost as much as the day his son died. Where in the hell was Daniel? Where in the fucking universe did he disappear to? 

Tucking the book back into his shirt, Jack listlessly wandered to the elevator and toward home. 

~~~ 

Seven days earlier... 

"Chevron two encoded." The voice boomed in the granite-enclosed structure. 

Daniel impatiently fidgeted with the straps on his pack as he waited for the Gate to finish its cycle. Annoyed with himself, he looked up to find Jack watching him with a curiously amused grin again. That smile had been appearing more and more over the last couple of months and Daniel had no idea what make of it. Finally, unable to contain his suspense after checking for food on his clothes, hair out of place, or God forbid his zipper was undone, he blurted out... 

"What?" 

"You're acting just like a kid on Christmas morning." Jack barely suppressed laughing out loud at Daniel's mortified expression. Slapping him on the shoulder playfully, Jack leaned over to murmur in Daniel's ear, "It's cute." 

"Oh...er, well..." 

'Cute?' Daniel was completely mystified now. 'Cute!' He must be imagining things. That was it, because he could have sworn Jack just said... Daniel immediately cut short his train of thought. 'No, best not to finish that sentence.' He just shook his head. 

Jack did laugh then. 

"Sometimes Jack, I just don't understand you." 

Still chuckling, Jack watched a very flustered Daniel shift nervously from foot to foot. He couldn't help but be amused. And Sam...Lord, the expression on Sam's face. She just kept glancing back and forth between the two of them trying to figure out what was going on. 

"What's so funny?" She asked watching Daniel turn three shades of red and Jack chuckle even harder. 

The Gate opened, shooting a stream of silver-blue matter into the gate room, cutting off whatever Jack was going to say. 

"I believe we can now go through." Teal'c commented dryly, merely raising an eyebrow toward his teammates antics. He would never understand earth humor. He hefted his staff into a more comfortable position and strode up the ramp. 

"After you, Captain." Jack bowed slightly, shifting his weapon aside. He smiled at the bemused female shaking her head as she walked up the ramp. 

Jack followed, pausing halfway up to toss one last comment over his shoulder, "Daniel? I thought you wanted to see PX392K? Native Civilizations, remember?" 

"Oh, what? Coming!" His boots echoed off the ramp as Daniel ran to catch up. 

~~~ 

The arid plane stole their breath as SG-1 was expelled from the gate. It tossed the humans into a pile of bruised flesh upon the unforgiving outcrop. Intense heat smoldered on the cracked dry earth, sending visible waves into the air. Small fine particles shifted in the dry heat, stirred up when the team was tossed from the Gate. Nothing but sand, rocks, and barren earth lay before them. 

"Well, this feels just like home." Daniel gasped as he brushed off the dust from his fall. He grabbed for his hat which had escaped in the fall from the Gate. Twirling it around in his fingers, Daniel groused to himself as he looked for damage. 

Jack groaned as he lay sprawled on the ground. "I'm getting too old for this." 

"I'm with you there, Sir. My bruises have bruises." Struggling with her errant pack, Sam twisted around onto her knees checking for wounds. 

The only member of the team who seemed unaffected was Teal'c who was already standing, scanning the surrounding area. Assured that any impending dangers were negligible, he assisted Jack to his feet. 

Chuckling as he rose, Jack checked on Daniel who was still fiddling with his gear. "Well?" he asked curiously, turning towards Teal'c. 

"I have been here before, O'Neill. It is uninhabited." 

"Sweet." Jack wandered over to the edge of the rocks. The MALP lay on its side at the bottom. 'An easy climb down if you're human.' 

"Well that explains why the MALP stopped transmitting." Sam stood next to him looking down at the piece of missing equipment. 

"I thought these...things," he gestured, "were supposed to be able to handle rough terrain, Captain?" 

Sam snickered. "They are, Sir. But it's hard to get a signal when both the transmitter and camera are buried in sand." 

"You've got a point." A disturbance caught Jack's attention from of the corner of his eye. He immediately swivelled bringing his weapon to the ready. "Look lively campers, we've got company." 

"O'Neill, they do not have weapons." 

"Yeah, you noticed that too, Teal'c?" Jack looked over his shoulder at the still muttering archeologist. "Daniel?" 

"What?" Daniel stayed his restless movements and looked up. 

"Company..." Jack nodded his head toward the group on the rise, having yet made no movement towards them. 

"Oh..." Daniel straightened and stood beside Jack putting his hat back on his head. 

"Captain?" 

"Here, Colonel." 

"Teal'c, I thought you said this planet was empty." 

"It was. Now it is not." 

"Any ideas here people?" 

"The Onie'ke." 

"The who?" Jack and Daniel demand in unison forgetting the Natives for a moment. 

Teal'c lifted an eyebrow curiously. "The Onie'ke. Those who wander the Universe." 

"And..." 

"And nothing, O'Neill. They are not a threat." 

"Sir?" Sam gestured impatiently for Jack's attention. "For a people who are not a threat, they sure do sport a lot of scars." 

Turning around, Jack found himself face to face with one of the Onie'ke. 

"Tau'ri O'Neill. Jaffa Teal'c." The elderly man bowed his head. He then moved closer to Sam placing a firm callused grip on either side of her face. "Ah....Of Jolinar." He nodded his head as if finally understanding a great mystery. "Tok'ra." 

"N..no..." Sam cleared her throat. "I'm not Jolinar. My...," She took a deap breath. "My name's Samantha, Samantha Carter." 

"Of Jolinar, Samantha Carter. *Of* Jolinar. You carry the memories." He patted her arm with his hand emphasizng his point. "Much to learn yet." 

"Hello..." Daniel extended his hand. "I'm..." 

"The Seeker of Truths, yes." The old man intoned ominously ignoring the outstretched arm. "I am Bel'ar. Welcome." With that, Bel'ar climbed down from the ledge with the vigor of a youth. "Come! Food, refreshment awaits." 

"I don't think he likes you, Daniel." 

"To borrow one of your favorite phrases, Jack.....Ya think?" 

~~~ 

Arriving within sight of the Onie'ke camp, Daniel stood in awe. Barely two miles from the gate, an impressive blend of man and nature molded together on the hillside. Built into the rocky terrain lay an entire town, encircling the mount layer upon layer. 

'Pueblo?' was Daniel's first thought, but the people themselves were barely recognizable from the landscape themselves. Gone were the distinctive geometric red and green patterns, the flat single/double rectangular homes that flourished in the southeastern United States. Instead, the village resembled more the rounded woodland homes of the Adena adapted to the dryer, harsher climate or maybe the ancient dwellings of the Hisatsinom. 

"Daniel?" Sam stumbled into him when he stopped. 

"Oh, sorry Sam. Isn't this amazing!" Daniel enthused as he gawked at the shear magnitude of the structure. 

"Oh yeah 'neat', Dannyboy. Can we get out of the heat?" Jack gave Daniel a gentle shove as he and Teal'c trudged toward Bel'ar. 

"Oh, we've borrowed a little from here, a little from there. It serves." Bel'ar shrugged from the bottom stair that led directly into the cool stoneface. 

"But how do you defend it?" 

"Defend what? The pieces that Earth Maker lets us borrow? There is no defense against an enemy with wings and breath of fire. Better to move." With that, Bel'ar retreated into the stone, Jack and Teal'c following him as rapidly as possible. 

"Come on Daniel. I bet there's a better view from up there." Sam tugged on his sleeve, and pointed to a ledge about two stories above them. 

"You're probably right." He grinned, entering the dark corridor himself. 

~~~ 

Daniel stood on the ledge surveying the land before him. He could see the Gate smoldering in the distance, a dark blight in an otherwise bright world. A shiver ran up his spine as the image ran across his mind. With prophetic coincidence, a hand chose that moment to drop on his shoulder. 

"Come." Bel'ar smirked, pulling a very startled Daniel away from the edge. "You must be thirsty after that long walk." 

"Where did....?" Daniel looked around confused. He was alone with Bel'ar. 

"I have sent them onward to their own refreshments. You will rejoin them later this evening. Do not worry." 

"How did you know we were coming?" Curiousity had finally overcome his misgivings as Daniel followed the elderly man. 

"Jaffa Teal'c and I have met on the plain before. The rest of you....Eagle told me of your coming." Bel'ar entered a small dwelling indicating that Daniel should sit on one of the delicately woven mats on the floor. A table filled with food and drink rested between them. "Sit. Eat, Drink." 

"Told you how?" Daniel muttered around the clay cup at his lips. He barely curtailed drowning his raging thirst to ask the question. Downing the liquid in one gulp, Daniel placed the cup down with one hand and removed his pack with the other. "Excuse me a second. I need to find something." He dug into its depths for a moment, pulling out pen and paper. 

"Only a blind man cannot see when Eagle warns of a flood." Bel'ar motioned towards Daniel's journal. "I have a story of my people for your Book of Legends." 

"Okay..." 

"Hush, and listen." 

Daniel obediently listened, sampling the food before him and refilling his glass several times from the pitcher. 

"The bluebird was once a very ugly color. But there was a lake where no river flowed in or out, and the bird bathed in it four times every morning for four mornings. Every morning it sang: 

There's a blue water, it lies there. I went in. I am all blue. 

On the fourth morning it shed all its feathers and came out of the lake in its bare skin, but on the fifth morning it came out with blue feathers. 

All this while Coyote had been watching the bird. He wanted to jump in and get it, but he was afraid of hte water. On that fifth morning he said, "How is it that all your ugly color has come out and now you are blue and gay and beautiful? You're more beautiful than anything that flies in the air. I want to be blue too." 

Coyote was at that time bright green. "I went in four times," said the bird, and taught Coyote the song. So Coyote went in four times, and the fifth time he came out as blue as the little bird. 

That made him feel very proud. As he walked along, he looked on every side to see if anyone was noticing how fine and blue he was. He looked to see if his shadow was blue too, and so he was not watching the road. Presently he ran into a stump so hard that it threw him down in the dirt, and he became dust-colored all over. And to this day all coyotes are the color of dirt." 

Fascinated with the tale, Daniel unconsciously plucked a fruit from the plate in front of him and brought it to his mouth. 

"Stop!" Bel'ar handed Daniel a knife laughing all the while. "Do not eat the skin. Very bitter." 

"You called me 'The Seeker of Truths'." Daniel pondered as he peeled the fruit. "What did you mean by that?" 

"Is that not who you are, Daniel Jackson?" 

"Well, yes. In a way." He popped the fruit into his mouth. 

"Father of Tongues, Guardian of the Legends, Speaker of the Tribe, all these things too. But The Seeker of Truths is *who* you are. The others," Bel'ar dismissed with a wave of his hand, "are *what*. You must learn the difference." 

Nodding in agreement, Daniel changed the subject yet again. "Where do your people come from?" 

"The Universe gave shelter to the Old Ones." Bel'ar shrugged. "We followed." 

"You are descedants of the Ancients?" Daniel sputtered in his haste to follow the train of thought. 

"No." Bel'ar shook his head vigorously. "Elder Brother came from across the Universe along the path of the Ancient. We are sons and daughters of those who came before. We know who we are. And now," Bel'ar stood motioning with his hands for Daniel to join him, "you who belong on the other side of the water, enough talk for today. You must wash and rest. A long journey awaits." 

~~~ 

A noise from outside woke Daniel. Scuffling feet and quiet voices drifted through the blue light of night. He lay for a moment more listening to the murmurs of their host as he decended onto the desert floor. 

"You have prepared the boy, Krisa?" 

"Yes, Bel'ar. He is ready for the Rite of Knowing." 

Daniel's interest peaked. 'Rite of Knowing'? He rose from the pallet on the floor creeping towards Jack. "Jack..." He whispered, shaking the still form. "Jack!" He whispered again, more forcefully this time. 

"What?" 

"You hear that?" 

"I don't hear anything, Daniel. Go back to bed. You were dreaming." 

Frustrated that he might lose Bel'ar and the others, Daniel swatted Jack before starting out after the Natives. 

Turning over and falling back into a dreamless sleep, Jack never heard Daniel leave. 

~~~ 

Daniel followed the small group as closely as he dared. The still desert night allowed him to hear bits and pieces of conversation as he walked along. 

"Quest.." 

"Knowledge..." 

"Return from the Land of Storms..." 

Thoughts tumbled over and over in his mind as Daniel caught the snatches of speech. He tried to fit them into every legend he knew of the Native Tribes of the Americas. 'Definitely early Americas.' Which one though? 

The group of four reached the summit and climbed up to the Stargate. Daniel followed again, using the rocky outcropping to his advantage this time. Bel'ar, a youth of about sixteen, a woman...'Krisa?' and another male stood before the Gate. Bel'ar motioned to the man who then began to punch in a sequence. 

"I have one last thing to tell you, Nar'e..." Bel'ar hugged the young man, "Know who you are, and nothing but the future will you gain." 

A cacophony of sound broke the night as the Gate opened. Krisa pulled the young man into her arms, gripping him quickly but tightly before releasing him to the other man. The male grasped Nar'e's shoulders firmly, then pushed him towards the open portal. 

"Go." 

With that, Bel'ar and the two adults turned from the Gate. 

"Why did you speak so loudly?" questioned the youth's mother, but Daniel had already lost interest in their conversation. Instead he crept closer to the open Gate memorizing the glowing symbols with intense interest. 

"Advice to foolish audience. And The Seeker did not even pay attention." returned Bel'ar as they climbed the short distance down to the plain. "He who seeks without wisdom finds nothing in return." 

Bel'ar's warning fell on deaf ears. Daniel had already slipped through the Gate. 


	2. Moments in Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack gives Daniel a present. Daniel shows his appreciation most enthusiastically.

Jack leaned against the doorway simply enjoying the view. Daniel was relaxing back on the sofa, a ceramic cup cradled in his hands. It was a daily rite Jack had become accustomed to over the last two years; watching Daniel drink his coffee, listening as the latest unfolded in the world. 

Daniel was oblivious to the world around him at these times. Something on the program caught his eye, causing him to lean forward and rest his elbows on his knees. His golden brown mane fell forward to brush his cheek as he drank from the cup. His glasses slid with the motion, yet the azure orbs never left the flashing images on the screen. Unconsciously he nudged the offending eyewear back into place. Jack wanted to just reach over and remove them completely, but was hesitant to disturb the peaceful scene. 

This morning Daniel wore nothing but his jeans, leaving his sun kissed flesh free to be explored, by roving eyes or ...hands. A lustful sigh escaped at the picture before him. Jack never did tire of looking at him. 

'How did I ever hook up with you?' Jack thought. He didn't understand why this fascinating creature would even look twice at him. Daniel was educated. He'd worked for years on the Gate project, enabling them to actually use the damn thing. Worked on archeological digs all over the globe. Daniel knew at least twenty-three languages, some long dead. He was smart, funny, exciting, and yet.....'He attached himself to an old war-horse like me.' 

Daniel was, well...unique. 

Shaking his graying head, Jack shook off the scattered thoughts. He had all week to 'moon' over Daniel while they were both at work slaving away for the Air Force, but today...today was theirs. The forgotten present still held lightly in his hand slapped against his leg. 'Ah, Daniel. I don't know who is going to get more enjoyment out of this, you or me', he grinned mischievously holding the box up. 

The present was something he had been saving for a while now. A tingle began to build low in his abdomen. It started as a hum burning along the nerve endings, feeding off of the rapidly flashing images that flowed through his mind. 

"Daniel", the softly husked word announcing his presence as Jack stepped into the room. 

"Hmm?" Came the distracted response. 

"Daniel!" He hailed more forcefully, thrusting the package in Daniel's direction. 

Glancing up in the direction of Jack's voice, Daniel caught the look of desire mixed with apprehension in his lover's eyes. Curious, he placed the coffee mug down on the side table before taking the offered gift. 

"What's this, Jack? It's not my birthday." 

"Just open it." Jack's voice lowered, a silky, whiskey smooth edge coating each word. 

Placing the package on the table, Daniel nervously lifted the lid. He could feel the longing pouring off of his partner, intuitively knowing that the box was the cause. Brushing the dark tissue paper aside, Daniel started, discovering black suede nestled inside. Caressing the soft material delighted blue eyes focused on the rugged man slowly settling into the chair across from him. A quiet gasp escaped Daniel as he pulled the tasseled leather chaps free of the parcel. Holding them up, silver choncs sparkled in the light, running down the length of the suede from top to bottom. 

"Oh!...I don't know, Jack. They're nice, but..." 

"Now you're getting the idea!" Jack excitedly broke in, nodding his head. 

Daniel quizzically gazed at Jack with a slight tilt to his blond head. "What?" 

"Just...put...them...on." Jack carefully enunciated each word. 

Daniel started to slip the leather piece over his jeans, when Jack stopped him. 

"No, take the jeans off first." He could barely get the words out. 

Danny willingly obliged the man, slipping the top button free of the five-o-ones. Jack's breathing rapidly increased as Danny's hands slipped lower to free the next one. 

"You okay, Jack?" Innocence coated each word. 

"Yeah, fine, just fine." He nodded, never taking his eyes from Daniel's waist line. 

Danny leisurely guided the next button free, pealing the edges of the waistband back to reveal the black Lycra boxers underneath. The next button proved a bit difficult since Daniel was starting to really like this game. His breathing matched Jack's, beat for beat, his blood pooling in his groin as Jack's dark orbs followed his every move. 

The last two buttons fell free of their confines exposing Danny's very excited state to Jack's roaming eyes. Hitching his hips forward, Danny slid the worn cotton material ever so slowly down his backside. Once free of his hips, the jeans slithered freely down Danny's muscular thighs, grazing his well-formed calves to pool smoothly at his ankles. Leaning forward, Danny lifted one bare foot, pulling the material free. The other quickly followed the first. Glancing at Jack through long lashes, and his bangs slipping forward, he knew the drawn out strip tease was having the desired effect on his lover. 

When Daniel bent over to remove the jeans, Jack's libido demanded attention. He freed his throbbing member from his own Levi's, reclined back in the chair, and stroked his demanding organ, his hawk-like gaze never leaving Daniel. 

Daniel's eyes darkened to a deeper shade of blue observing his effect on Jack. Rising, muscles rippling under the bronzed skin, Daniel straightened to remove the boxers that kept his own need restrained. Jack groaned deeply as he watched Daniel slide his fingers into the top of the waistband, slipping one hand inside to caress his straining erection. 

"Take them off Danny. Please." 

'Gods, he begs so nicely', Danny thought with a smile. He stroked himself one more time before pulling his hand free to slip the shorts off as well. As the silky material descended, his swollen member sprang forth, jutting from its nest of golden brown curls. Daniel stood before his mate, a shining, smiling Adonis. 

Jack stood to take his own pants off, his movements efficient and precise, devouring the naked man all the while with his eyes. 

"Put the chaps on." Jack demanded. 

Smiling artlessly Daniel cinched the chaps low on his hips, and leaned forward to tie the stays on each thigh. That done, Daniel tied the lower ones as well, half kneeling, half squatting to reach the ones behind his knees. His member swayed prominently with each little action catching Jack's eye, framed as it was by the leather. Standing again, Daniel raised his arms out by his sides. 

"There. What do you think?" 

"Oh, I like it. I definitely like it. Turn around." 

Daniel turned watching Jack over his shoulder, giving his naked rear a bit of a wiggle as Jack inhaled deeply at the sight before him. 

"Daniel", came the aroused-coated utterance. 

"Yeah, Jack?" 

"That innocent thing", he purred into Daniel's ear. 

"Uh, huh", Daniel nodded leaning back into Jack's bare chest in contentment. 

"It's all an act." 

Jack kissed the nape of his neck before slowly turning Daniel around. His hands skimmed down Daniel's biceps heading for that enticing butt just aching to be touched. Passing his hands over the firm cheeks, Jack them a quick squeeze before wrapping the hard body in his arms. 

"No more games?" 

Shaking his head no, Daniel smiled as he fondled the bare chest before him. Jack always could see through him. 

"Nope." 

"I love you." 

Daniel looked into the hooded brown orbs. The simply expressed statement raced for the concealed well of longing Daniel tried so hard to keep hidden. 'He's done it again. How?' 

Dark, hungry eyes missed nothing, as Daniel seemed to light up from the inside out. Jack leaned in to kiss the lips just slightly parted before him. He watched the pink, irresistible opening slowly being caressed by a seeking tongue in anticipation. He wanted that mouth pressed hard against his own. Giving in to the need, Jack lightly assaulted the waiting mouth with his own, adding a yet another layer of moisture. He pressed a bit firmer, pulling the half-naked man against his own form, fitting frame to frame, two halves of one whole. 

Lips, tongue, skin, and leather all combined throwing Jack's senses into deep disarray. Hot, hard erections tensed as both met trapped between the two muscular forms, brushing against each other, hips moving in time with thrusting tongues. The suede rubbed over Jack's thighs, adding a rough velvety texture into the mix. The tassels tormented his sensitized skin as Danny rocked his hips forward, their contact feather light. Heat wrapped its tendrils around the entwined pair, cloaking them in a private vortex. 

Daniel thrust his tongue deep within Jack's mouth, stroking the inner heat, tasting the bitter sweetness of earlier partaken coffee. The organ grazed the edges of sharp pearly whites as his tongue explored the confines. Jack's tongue warred with his own, rolling over each other in a battle for dominance. 

Attack, retreat, from one mouth to the other, the long, deep kiss left both men breathless and wanting more. Desire burst into full-blown flames from the ashes left to smolder by the earlier play. 

Daniel shook with the need pouring off of Jack. The want expressing itself in waves sending his head spinning. 

"Let me show you what you do to me." Daniel struggled to control the echoing blaze in his own frame. 'Drowning would be more like it.' thought Daniel as all thoughts of teasing fled when faced with such unveiled hunger. 

Tongues mated, reaching blindly towards concealed cores. Hands stroked over damp skin following well-known muscular plains. Teasing fingers circled taunt nipples. A sudden intake of breath followed by blissful sighs. 

Shedding all pretense of innocence, Daniel took control, slowing Jack down yet heating him up at the same time. He pushed Jack to the soft carpet leisurely working his way down the solid body so aptly sprawled in front of him. He fed on Jack's Adam's apple arched in surrender. He browsed over the amply muscled chest, the rough salt and pepper hairs gleaming with moisture. Daniel captured an aching bud between his teeth, circling the tip rapidly. Idly he pulled the nib into his mouth with a gradual suckling motion, laving the lower edge with his tongue. He let go in one motion, panting lightly on the puckered nub. 

'Oh God, that mouth was ecstasy.' Jack arched up into the breath, desperate to have the nipple back in the warm enclosure. His nerve endings were screaming with denied pleasure and wanting more all at the same time. 

Daniel shifted his attention to the other nipple. Couldn't have Jack say he preferred one side to the other. He slipped a supporting hand under Jack's back as he arched. Using the advantage, he kneaded the straining muscles as he worked his hand lower toward the crevice between muscle and bone. 

Jack reached for the younger man. 

"Not yet." Daniel smiled wickedly as he rocked forward, leather sliding up over charged skin, pinning Jack's wrists to the floor. 

"God, you are such a turn on." 

"You're not so bad yourself." Daniel released the wrists trusting Jack to stay put, even if he knew it wouldn't last long. He slid back down Jack's tight form, pausing to grind his hips into Jack's groin in his travels. 

"Is this what you want Jack?" Daniel purred rubbing suede, his member, and his own heated skin against Jack's. 

Growling in warning, Jack fought to remain still, hands fisted with restraint. He wanted nothing more than to toss Daniel over on his back and bury himself deep within that luscious body. 

Chuckling, Daniel resumed his conquering of the male under him. Ever so slowly lowering his magical tongue over Jack's solid abs, following the sprinkling of hair lower. 

Jack was drowning in sensation. Daniel's tongue drifted even lower to tease his rock hard cock. 'Yes, yes, lower, lower' chanted the voice in his brain. Jack nearly left the floor as Daniel's mouth finally descended on his organ. 

Daniel licked his member from base to tip. Tasting the musky scent that was uniquely Jack. His tongue rolled over the top lapping up the bitter liquid from the tip. Lips barely parted, he took the pulsing organ into his mouth, teeth grazing gently over the head, fully surrounding it. He rose a bit and then sucked, pulling the straining erection all the way to the back of his throat. 

Jack did leave the floor this time, his hips bucking into that welcoming mouth. He was surrounded by intense, wet heat, buried all the way to the root. Then Daniel swallowed, the muscles in his throat rippling over the head of Jack's cock. The whole action pulled on his cock as if to draw it even deeper into the fiery opening. 

Danny ran his hands over Jack's body, digging into it as he feasted on his flesh. One hand roamed over solid abs and as the other delved lower to massage Jack's glands, enveloping them yet squeezing gently. Daniel's teeth lightly grazed the skin as he pulled back up and descended once again. His tongue sucked as only a babe with candy could. 

"Ahh!" Jack moaned as his senses went into overload. He had to stop Daniel or else he wouldn't be much good for the next few hours. Struggling to sit against a mouth that seemed determined to make him come, Jack grabbed for the ochre head still attached firmly to himself. 

"Danny, Danny, Danny. Oh Babe what you do to me." The words barely above a whisper, Jack pulled those sensual lips back up to his. He was so close to cumming, but he wanted to be buried deep within that magical body before he did. 

Caught between Jack's muscular thighs and demanding lips, Daniel relinquished control. He pulled back after a moment, very pleased with himself. He sat there, calves tucked under him, suede covering his thighs, hands resting on his hips. His hair had fallen forward and with a quick shake of his head the mane flew back. 

He looked just like some primitive god awaiting his worshippers. And Jack willingly obliged. He reached over running fingertips down the golden, hairless chest. The summer sun entered the room bathing Danny in it's light. 

"What in the hell did I do to deserve you?" Jack was in awe at the picture before him. He knew Daniel looked good in leather, but even in his wildest imagines he hadn't anticipated this. "Sweet" 

Daniel leaned forward into Jack's hand, his heartbeat pounded right under the questing limb. 

Jack could feel the strong muscle reverberate in his chest. Jack tilted toward the body regally kneeling before him, kissing Daniel right over his heart. 

"I love you, Space Monkey." 

"I know. I love you too, Jack. So much," Daniel murmured as he reached for Jack. "So very much." Wrapping his arms around Jack, Daniel pulled the questing man to him. Jack was an enigma, both hard and soft at the same time. He could be the most gentle of lovers, yet demanding all in the same moment. 'And a pain in the ass to work for.' 

Any further thought fled as Jack's hand slid down his backside, kneading along their path. His fingers dipped into the crevice, slipping a finger easily into the opening. Daniel arched his back, moaning with unfulfilled need. 

"More, Jack. I need more." 

Jack slid in another digit, gently pushing past the relaxed ring of muscle. His fingers imitated his own want thrusting in and out. Daniel writhed in his arms trying to push the fingers in deeper. He was ready. Oh so very ready. 

Daniel tried to push the fingers in even deeper. He wanted Jack, wanted him now. 

"Jack! Please." 

Jack loved hearing his name on Daniel's lips. 

"Anything, Danny. Anything you want." Jacked pulled him in for a hard quick kiss before rising to go over to a drawer in the cabinet. He pulled out a rubber and some lube. 

Daniel had followed him, never taking his eyes off of the gorgeous male. He devoured every inch of skin bared, including one very magnificent rump. He pulled the condom free of Jack's hands, opened it and started to slowly roll the sheath over Jack's protruding flesh. The condom slipped over the head first contracting the hard flesh as Daniel stopped to caress the bare skin one more time before covering it completely in one smooth motion. 

"How do you do that?" 

Daniel grinned. Jack grabbed a few more and they both dropped back to the soft carpet. Slinking down, Jack locked his lips to Daniel's as he opened the lube and applied the lubricant to the condom.. Daniel kept his hands on Jack's shoulders, keeping them both firmly connected. Positioning Daniel on the floor in front of him legs spread on either side of him, Jack held his organ and guided it to the puckered opening waiting beneath him. Gliding in slowly, Jack was determined to savor every inch going into the scorching channel. 

Daniel was beyond gentle at the moment. He lunged his hips upward, trying to force Jack inside. 

"Slowly there, Danny boy." 

"Jack, I need..." 

"I know love. Just..." Jack tried to control the writhing body beneath him. He was even now close to the edge. 

Daniel was very turned on. He *needed* Jack. Right now, hard, thrusting, deep. He was deep within the grips of pure lust. Yes, that's it, too much of a good thing. 

"God, please Jack!" he heard himself plead again. 

Jack finally passed through the muscular ring. Daniel's body didn't need any time to adjust. He impaled himself all the way onto Jack. Sighing in complete pleasure, he rocked a bit telling Jack through motion alone he was okay. 

Jack began moving, slowly at first, grazing his body over Daniel's organ as he drew out. Keeping Danny's cock firmly trapped between the two straining, sweaty forms, Jack began a leisurely rhythm. 

Daniel objected. He moaned, pulsing his hips trying to force Jack to move faster. They both wanted it. Both needed to complete this ancient ritual of sharing. 

Jack gave up, thrusting deep within the hot channel. Fast, hard, and deeply absorbed, he rode Daniel, neither caring that the carpet was burning Danny's back, or Jack's knees. They couldn't feel it. All they felt was the connection, the blending of spirits welcoming home the missing part. Joining, and completing each other. Jack felt the ledge starting to give way. 

'Not yet, not yet' He struggled for control over the demands of his body. He watched Daniel's face contort as he fell victim to the release of his own need. Noticing that Jack didn't give it another thought as his body slammed into yielding vessel staking his claim. He jumped and fell headlong from the cliff. 

Lying there trying to catch his breath, Jack looked up into satisfied indigo orbs, his own sable eyes drifting back to soft chocolate pools. 

"Thank you." It was quietly given. Jack knew exactly what Danny meant. He pulled out, rolling over to one side to remove the condom. 

Daniel was a boneless heap on the floor, sanity slowly returning. He watched as Jack rose retreating to the kitchen with the tied off condom. 

Jack tossed the rubber into the garbage, leaned against the counter and thought of the man lying in the other room in the newly acquired chaps. He heard the softly spoken 'Thank You' replay over in his mind, knowing it was one of the finest gifts he had ever been given. 

Thank you for being you. 

#### 2\. Sweet

Jack stopped before the harsh, steel door his hand poised to knock. What to say? What to do? 'Okay...so you screwed up, O'Neill. Get on with it.' He sighed, letting his hand fall back to his side. This would never work. 

He leaned forward, resting his shoulder on the chilled surface of the doorway. Waiting for a sign...wanting to explain. Hoping that his words wouldn't fall on barren ears too embittered to hear. Was Daniel even in there? 

This quiet avoidance was the way it had all began with Sara. Was history being repeated? Two people so bound in their own personal grief and misery, it became all but impossible to reach beyond hate. Or was this just the beginning of the end? A signal that 'hey, it was good while it lasted'. Yeah, right. Two ships passing in the night. 

The silent halls of the SGC mocked him. Barren, cold, devoid of human occupation. 

'Well, what do you expect at three in the morning?' 

'A cleaning crew?' 

'Sarcasm won't get you anywhere.' 

'And just how would you know?' 

'Has it ever worked before?' 

'No...' No, it hadn't. In fact it just served to widen the rift forming between them. 

Jack wiped his palms on his BDU's. His breathing picked up. Anxiety threatened. It was too quiet. No sounds of breathing, working, nothing penetrated the quiet. Don't bother knocking. No one's home. He had been standing in front of the door for at least ten minutes and not once did Jack hear anyone inside. 

Jack turned to leave, the silence in the corridor mimicking the dark stillness that had settled over his home. Daniel wasn't here, and besides, what did it matter? Not at home, not at his place and not at the SGC, Daniel was avoiding him. 

'Well, if you hadn't been such a shit during that Linea fiasco, he'd be at home right now. Asleep in *your* bed.' 

'I know!' 

'But you just had to push, didn't you. First Sha're and then Linea. Why, if I wa....' 

'Would you just shut up?' 

'Sorry! Excuse me for breathing.' 

'Why couldn't I get a nice normal conscience like everyone else?' 

'Damned if I know.' 

A sudden scuffle from within Daniel's office brought Jack up short. He put his ear to the door. Someone was moving around in there, and from the sound of it none too happily. A soft groan spilled from Jack's lips as he heard Daniel cursing up a storm. 'He swears worse than a sailor.' 

Daniel's loudly muttered epitaphs aimed at himself, at the pile of paper that had tumbled to the floor, and at Jack drowned out any other sound in the hallway. Jack smiled to himself. Okay, the Space Monkey was at work. So, what now? 

That Daniel wasn't happy with him was fairly obvious from the language he heard spewing forth from within. Bastard seemed to be a favourite. Maybe he should come back later? Maybe two weeks later...give Daniel time to cool off. 

'Oh, that's right, O'Neill. Run like hell.' 

'Hey, I thought I told you to shut up.' 

'Well someone has to slap you upside the head.' 

"Thanks, but I don't need any comments from the peanut gallery." 

"Colonel?" 

Jack jumped ten feet in the air. He was no longer alone in the passageway. Heart hammering against his chest, Jack braced himself to be yelled at yet again...by Sam this time. Didn't look like she was sleeping very well this night either. 

"Yeah, Sam?" 

"There's only two words you really need to say." 

"I know." Hypnotized, Jack watched as Sam turned the knob. His stomach bound itself up in knots as the light reflected off of the rotating handle. 'But will they be enough?' 

"He'll forgive you." The door fell open, Jack not noticing as Sam walked away. 

Daniel looked up from the mess of paper on the floor to see Jack standing in the doorway, hands tucked into his pockets. Bright blue caught and held brown. Wary, worn-out, and poised for a fight, Daniel waited. He was damned tired of fighting for one, but he was not going to stand back and let Jack run roughshod over him again. 

Jack's breath stilled. Anger bled from the still figure on the floor, filling the space in-between with poignant meaning. His heart pounded away in his chest. 'Let this work, let this work, let this work.' Jack took a step forward. 

"I'm sorry." 

Daniel rose from the floor, the first smile Jack had seen in days forming in his eyes. 

'Sweet.' 

And Jack began to breathe. 


	3. Dog Tags

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _It just seemed as if something important was missing, an arm or a leg, but all of his body parts where accounted for._

#### 1\. The Birth of Shadows

From the pages of Azrael's Grief:

Stilled

It was a moment.  
Forever frozen in time......stilled.  
Etched into the darkest corners of memory.

Caught in a web  
Transformed and chilled  
Glittering in the harsh light of the stars.

Wait, and the trembling began.  
Small, tiny movements  
The creature laboring to draw forth air.

Surrendering to the pain of the second.  
Life quit its ceaseless struggles  
Holding its breath as it waited.

Given over to the dark  
The sky began to grow  
Red layered upon orange upon yellow.

The weight descended  
Opening the day to misery  
Leaving dreams of nights already spent.

There is nothing which can heal  
Nothing that can be offered  
Simple words that will never suffice.

Just torn, ragged wounds  
For those who are left behind  
To bleed, crying upon the stair.

This last I offer  
This Gift I give now  
It is mine.

One last kiss before waking...

Daniel awoke just as the sun was beginning to crest on the horizon. The bitter taste of cotton hovered in his mouth. His eyes felt as if someone had poured a ton of salt on them, leaving them scratchy. He slowly pealed the lids open letting them adjust to the early morning light.

"Yuck! Talk about morning breath."

He tried to focus on the vacant feeling invading his senses but he couldn't pin the emotion down. It just seemed as if something important was missing, an arm or a leg, but all of his body parts where accounted for.

He felt incredibly groggy, his mind refusing to work correctly. He shook the disturbing sensations off and headed to the bathroom. His thoughts might be scattered, but his body was obviously working just fine.

Daniel caught a glimpse of his reflection as he turned to leave, and stopped shocked at the image he saw. Staring hard into the mirror, he rubbed his hand curiously over the stubble threatening to over run his face. This was not one day's growth. His cheeks looked hollowed out in the harsh light of the florescence as if he hadn't eaten in several days. And his eyes...Lord they were ringed in deep purple shadows, turning the orbs into a glass sea of indigo blue.

'What the...?' The feeling of impending doom returned full force. Unsteadily, he returned to his room and sat heavily on the bed. Rubbing the heels of his hands into his eyes, he tried to concentrate on what ever it was that was causing this mass of confusion. He couldn't remember anything after leaving work on Friday.

'Was I mugged?' Daniel briskly ran his hands over his head searching for a lump that could be causing the problem. 'Nope, no bumps.' The sun chose that moment to ascend fully into the sky casting its rays upon the dresser. A dark object glimmered upon the wooden surface.

'That's odd.' Daniel got up and walked over picking the item up. The metal was blackened around the edges, pieces of rubber melted onto the outer edges.

'Huh?' He could barely feel the raised edges of writing imprinted upon the surface under his thumb, but when he turned it over, only a charred plane met his gaze. He rubbed vigorously at the top, the words becoming clear. He should have seen them earlier, but his sleepy eyes had refused to focus.

Daniel dropped the offending thing, almost as if singed. Then he noticed his hands, his eyes still trying their best not to see. Wrapped in white gauze, the fingertips smeared with filth, he tried to understand what was going on. A barely suppressed throb hummed along the nerves of each hand, sending spikes of pain as they awakened. 'That's it!' He was suffering from the effects of some sort of drug. He was in his own apartment, but something was seriously wrong.

He picked the tiny alloy up from the floor absently stroking it with the one thumb which seemed not be covered. He walked around the room, touching everything, trying to connect himself to his surroundings. He opened the closet door, intending to get a shirt when it hit him, Jack's things were missing.

'Jack, oh God.' And he went down hitting the carpet with a loud thunk; his mind finally focusing on the words written on the tiny piece of tin clutched tightly in his hand. "The Property of Daniel Jackson."

~~~

It all rushed back. The last few days sped across his memory on a course straight for his heart, ripping it in two. The impending arrival of their friends from SGC, the fight over Jack's career, Jack stalking out, and finally the explosion. Jack was gone. And where was Teal'c? Teal'c should be here. Where was he?

Jack was gone. Sobs racked his frame as Daniel curled up on the floor, reliving the explosion once again.

God, Jack was gone...forever.

~~~

"No!" Daniel scrambled backwards over the wreckage repelled the ghastly specter unearthed at his feet. His voice hardened against the pain building within his chest. Terrified, he'd bolted, tripping over the smoldering rubble , his eyes filling with moisture.

'It's not Jack.' This couldn't be happening. 'It's not Jack, it's not Jack, it's not Jack.' The simple litany fell from silent lips.

Daniel shook his head trying to deny grim mask staring sightlessly back at him. His stiff form stumbled about the wasteland as he tried to escape the slumbering horror. Denial crept so easily upon those so unprepared for Death's gruesome kiss. Try as he might, he could not deny Azrael his right, Death came when he was called.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no!" Daniel fell to his knees upon the hard concrete of the front walk, sobbing as his world crashed down around him.

His pain found voice, grief sending the wail right into the core of the shocked crowd gathered about. The epitaph was ripped from his raw throat. It sliced through bone and sinew leaving a jagged invisible wound that was felt rather than seen. The enemy had snuck in on soundless wings, a wicked stab at the heart as it warred with recognition. A knowing refused by sight, yet the knowing remained, silently waiting all the while. Nothing could change what had happened and Daniel knew he had only himself to blame.

It was Jack, as much as he would like to deny it. Daniel wanted nothing more at that moment than to see the familiar grey head sauntering down the walk. To see the beautiful brown eyes glaze over in consternation at the frantic scene. Wanted Jack to wrap his arms reassuringly around him.

Some sixth sense had warned Daniel that Jack was in that house from the moment he drove up.

~~~

'Why?' Restrained on the sidewalk, barely able to stand, the recording looped again and again. Tears streamed down Daniel's soot-covered face, pausing for only a second before descending on his scorched fists. Downward the salty drops fell, fusing with blood seeping from the many cuts forged in the mad scramble through the rubble. In the end they dropped to the concrete below, pitifully tiny representations of the river held inside.

It had been a fruitless struggle, both then and now. Daniel battled vainly against the iron grip which held him in their steely embrace. His beautiful golden brown head buried beneath smoke and grime, struck at the firm muscular chest behind him. His feet strove to find a weakness in the shins of his captor. Anything to return to the dark chasm to find life in the lair of the dead.

"Colonel O'Neill is dead, Daniel Jackson." came the steady voice above Daniel's thrashing form.

It was a wasted endeavor, Teal'c firmly committed to holding Daniel safe...here...away from the grisly sight. He knew the panicked denial would soon wear off leaving shock to take over. There was nothing to be done but wait. Teal'c did not fully understand Daniel's resistance to the truth, yet he grieved along with him. Just being able to offer support to another team member helped to assuage his own pain.

Teal'c was a warrior used to Death in it's myriad forms, but this time he did not approve of the way it was accomplished. This was not a death worthy of Colonel O'Neill. He should have died weapon in hand, in battle, combating some great enemy deserving of him like Her'u. Teal'c raised his head, clutching the tormented man firmly, looking to the stars for the strength to help Daniel.

And the light bulb flashed on. All those little looks, the silently spoken code, the ease in which Daniel and Jack communicated, converged into a pin point of illumination. They had been more than friends.

"I am sorry, Daniel Jackson." The pain in his voice brought finding Jack's house all back to Daniel.

~~~

He had combed over the debris looking for anything that might lead him to Jack. It had taken every ounce of his strength to walk into the wreckage of Jack's residence. The fire still smoldered in places, leaving its scarred reminder on the beams which wavered in the night sky pointing their dead fingers toward heaven. The home was shattered, yet Daniel had still tried to find Jack beneath its remains, ignoring the danger, the heat that blistered his hands. No one knew if Jack was even in there, but somehow, some way Daniel had known. A frail hope began to build that he was wrong.

And then Daniel found the body.

That instant would remain forever hidden in darkest recesses of Daniel's memory. The once hard body that brought so much pleasure was contracted upon the hard, charred surface, barely recognizable as a man. A blackened claw reached out for some unknown reason, as if beckoning Daniel closer. Locked in the merciless nightmare, he'd walked closer touching the outstretched limb only to have it tumble to floor loosening the clenched hand beneath it. His mind raging, Daniel scrambled away, denying the skeletal corpse frozen in a horrifying grin was Jack's.

~~~

So he fought, fought to deny with all his strength that Jack was gone. It just couldn't be true. Not Jack. No, not his Jack. It had to be someone else. Jack was still in there waiting for someone to help him, to find him. Jack needed him.

'Nothing!' A whimper seeped from deep within his heart. There was nothing; not one scrap of paper, a photo, nor even a shred of clothing containing his musky scent. Nothing here but burning timbers soaking its acrid smell into his skin.

Nothing left. Nothing to hold the memories close. Nothing remained. He stood, anguish engulfing every pore as he watched the smoke drift higher and higher into the evening sky. Nothing which he could keep, to treasure as he fell asleep, dreaming of days when he wasn't...alone.

Yet another illusion trashed, ripped into tiny pieces and tossed into a burning inferno. That's all it had been, a simple fantasy. A wonderful dream that he wanted so much he refused to share it with anyone but Jack.

It couldn't be over. He never got the chance to say good-bye. How could Jack be gone?

~~~

'Why did I not see it before?' Sadly Teal'c held Daniel back, his dark eyes filling with moisture of their own, taking the abuse, allowing the grief an outlet. He held tight to Daniel until all movement ceased and he fell limp, the anger finally exhausted.

Shock reached from the pit claiming Daniel and he fell into the walking sleep. He allowed a paramedic to examine his wounds, Teal'c a solid figure never more than a few inches away. With a blanket tossed across his shoulders, Daniel was kindly helped into the waiting ambulance. Teal'c remained by his side during the ride to the hospital, never taking his hand from Daniel's shoulder, knowing it was little comfort, but all he could offer.

And then the blessed relief of night gently enveloped Daniel with its cloak and he remembered no more.

~~~

A noise from the outer room pulled Daniel back from his painful reverie, a tiny hope building in his chest that the whole thing had been some horrible dream. Janet and Teal'c stepped through the doorway, crushing the newly born bud before it could truly open. The look on Janet's face said it all. Jack was gone, and nothing he could do would ever bring him back. It was too much. He pulled the pain around him like a blanket, saving it for the time when he was alone once more. He dragged his feet back under him intending to stand, when Teal'c just bent over and picked him up.

"I can walk Teal'c."

"Yes" came the soft response, never the less Teal'c deposited Daniel in a chair by the window.

"You seem better today, Daniel." Janet's efficient doctoring taking over as she listened to Daniel's heart, taking his blood pressure, and then pealed the bandages back to look over the healing blisters.

"How long have I been out?" He asked slightly confused.

"Two days."

"Jack..."

"The funeral for Colonel O'Neill is today." Teal'c had spoken for the first time since coming into the room. He had simply stood, a silent sentinel while the doctor performed her duties.

The cloak of misery pulled Daniel tightly within its threads. His memories threatened to crowd out the others in the room.

"Daniel, stay with me." Janet's soft voice blended into the on rush of past. "Daniel!"

Slowly, Daniel lifted his head, looking right into concerned brown eyes. "I'm fine. Just a little tired."

"You've been drugged for the past two days. I think you've had enough sleep. You need to get up and walk around a bit. Teal'c will stay here with you."

"I'd really like to be alone."

"I do not think that is such a good idea DanielJackson. I will remain."

"I happen to agree with Teal'c. I..."

"Janet, I would really just like to be alone! I want....I need...God, this is....." Daniel covered his face trying to control the tears threatening to overwhelm him.

"Daniel...I am sorry. I miss him too."

Janet stepped back as Daniel raised his head. Anger seemed to emanate from every pore, only to disappear just as quickly. Janet looked at Teal'c to see if he could somehow explain this mysterious reaction.

"It is not my place to say Doctor Fraiser." Teal'c answered the unspoken question with his typical stoic regard.

"Are you saying....?"

Daniel looked from one to the other, just now realizing Teal'c hadn't told Janet of his and Jack's relationship.

"Yes." What did it matter now? Jack was gone. He sighed and got out of the chair to stand before the window. Anything was better than having to see the look of disgust pass over their faces. He couldn't deal with the silent recriminations right now. Just being forced to live Jack's death was more than enough to deal with at the moment.

"Oh Daniel, I....." He looked for all the world to be lost within his own thoughts. Janet placed her hand on his shoulder giving it a gentle squeeze. "It will be okay."

Daniel just shook his head.

"Teal'c? You'll make sure he eats?"

"Yes." He nodded his head and Janet motioned Teal'c out of the room.

~~~

"His injuries are not healing to your satisfaction?"

Janet rounded on Teal'c in anger. "Why didn't you tell me about Daniel and Jack?"

"As I stated, it was not my place."

"Teal'c... I...sorry, it was a bit of a shock."

"You disapprove?"

"No, I just didn't expect it. And I am going to have to explain this to the General."

"Why?"

"Because I am removing Daniel from the active duty roster and giving him a week off. I don't think the General will accept he lost his best friend as an answer."

"I will watch over him."

"I know you will Teal'c. I'll see you later this afternoon?"

"We will both be attending."

"I'll send Sam over to get you at about 3:00. Take care Teal'c."

#### 2\. The Sweetest Sorrow

This had to be some truly terrible cosmic joke. The only thing he had left of Jack and it was something given to him in jest. It was a horror Daniel didn't want to think about. His mind refused to wrap around the thought that Jack must have treasured the tiny piece of tin, hidden it even from him. He slid slowly to the floor his back braced by the wall, pulling the curtains from their hooks as he slid. Daniel turned the tag over realizing that it was fused with another, this one even more important than the last, at least to him.

It was Jack's dog tag, the one which hung on the small loop. The same one Jack had given Daniel on their one year anniversary of being together. 'Oh gods, Jack. You never told me.' Tears long since thought dried up, began their trek once more over the paths created during the last two days. His world died down to nothing more than a pin point of grief and anger. His hand clasped the tin tightly in his fist, a ragged edge digging into the tender flesh of his palm. The pain focused his attention on the little corner where Jack had tried to force open a beer bottle when the twist top stuck.

Haunting laughter filled the empty space for a moment as the memory descended upon his loneliness. A time when Jack was still there, alive, breathing. When Jack had whispered conspiratorially in his ear during a meeting, promising to take his mind off the boring proceedings. A flush of embarrassment had flooded his face, making Jack laugh. Oh his laugh....that deep, from the chest promise of light never ending. A laugh that could fill even the darkest edges of dreams of the past. It rang high against the dropped ceiling of the Briefing Room taking over all the corners, which only made Daniel blush the more, and Jack laugh harder.

~~~

"Why?' It was the only question left unanswered. Why Jack? Why now? Why, when Daniel was just starting to feel safe again?

"WHY?" The scream tore from deep within, adding an edge of hysteria mixed with bits of his soul torn out and tossed into the hollow room. Daniel rose from the floor, seeing nothing, hearing nothing, simply raging, tearing the room apart, only the word 'why' repeated endlessly. 'Why', as the lamp went flying to crash against the wall, leaving shards to glint against the pale surface of the carpet. 'Why' as the sheets were flung from the bed and torn in half. 'Why' as he tore the wall hangings from their moorings to sling about in abandon. 'Why' as the dresser was knocked over, and it's contents spilling from the open drawers to be flung across the room. "Why' as he beat against the hard wood attempting to smash it into tiny bits and pieces, just like the rest of his life. 'Why' as Teal'c grabbed him, rocking Daniel's shaking, shuddering form in his arms, refusing to allow the man to rip himself apart as surely as he had the room.

"Why, Teal'c? Why him, and not me? Why?"

"I do not have an answer for you DanielJackson."

Together, they had created a whole. Now there was nothing, just an empty void where the sound of laughter used to be. If only Daniel had been a few minutes earlier. If only Jack had returned sooner. If only they hadn't fought. 'If only...' If only Daniel could have kept his mouth shut. Guilt seeped into the edges of his anger, tinting the red billowing flames with a heavy quilt, extinguishing the flaming core in the light of his own sins.

~~~

"Well its not like Janet doesn't already know Daniel."

"You told her?"

"No, but its pretty hard to deny sexual activity to a Doc. Come on!"

"Oh...well...Jack, I...no."

"Daniel, its just Sam and Teal'c. We're not telling the whole world."

"And what if they let something slip at work? What then? I know Teal'c won't say anything, but what about Sam? You know how she loves to tease you."

"Daniel..."

"Jack..."

"Geez, I'm so tired of slinking down dark hallways, ya know? This is our house damn it!"

"Its only for a couple of hours, Jack. We'll get through it."

"Daniel, I'm warning you, this the last time. Sam already has suspicions. Janet knows but hasn't said anything beyond, 'You are using condoms, right?' And Teal'c, well who knows what he is thinking sometimes. I love you Daniel. I don't like hiding it all the time."

"And I'm not going to be the cause of you getting court martialed. The worst that will happen to me is *maybe* I'll be fired. And what do you think they will do to Sam if we tell her? Did you ever think of that? Isn't she obligated to say something? And if..."

"Daniel..."

"Wait Jack, I'm not finished yet. Lets just imagine for a second that you don't get kicked out of the Air Force. Best case scenario...You get to stay on SG-1, but I'll have to go with another team. We'll never see each other."

"You could stay at the SGC."

"And what? Be the 'little woman'? Please! I thought you knew me better than that. Oh Yeah! I get to wait at home all safe and sound, while you traipse all over the universe. That really hurts, Jack."

"You would have plenty to do Daniel, playing with all the new toys the teams bring back. And yes, I wouldn't have to worry about you getting hurt all the time!"

"Oh, that's rich! This coming from a man who has been shot at and wounded more times than I can count. I'm a field archeologist Jack. Not some book worm tied to home base!"

"Damn it Daniel! All I'm asking is a little compromise."

"No, you're asking me to be something I'm not. As much as I love you Jack, I can't do that. We'd end up destroying one another. This is who we are. If you can't accept that....well...then maybe we should think about ending this right now."

~~~

Daniel laughed at the bitter irony, tears silently streaming down his face. Teal'c tightened his hold.

"I'm fine now, Teal'c."

"You will not continue to hurt yourself?"

"No."

"Good, then I will release you." Teal'c let him go, and Daniel frantically searched the floor for the small pit of metal he had dropped.

"DanielJackson!" roared as he attempted to catch the panicked archeologist in yet another grim hold.

"I've got the find it, Teal'c. It's here somewhere!" Daniel eluded the power grip that just grazed his arm.

"What are you looking for?" Teal'c lifted his eyebrow, curious as to what prompted the search in the shambles of the room.

"Jack's dog tag. It's mine. He gave it to me. I have to find it."

Teal'c bent down picking up a blackened piece of tin, holding it up for Daniel's inspection.

"This one?"

Relief at seeing the tag, flooded Daniel.

"Yes, that's it." He grabbed for the metal, treasuring it his fists. It was all he had left, and the tag became even more important now that Jack was gone. It told the story of his life in small simple sentences. It might only state Jack's name, social security, blood type, and religion, but it was so much more. The tag brought whole images to life. Jack in full dress uniform, his rows of ribbons gleaming in the light silently proclaiming him warrior, hero. The simple way in which he lived his life. The care and concern he bestowed on those in his circle. Eloquently, the dog tag was nothing more Jack himself, and Daniel having just got it back, didn't want to lose it again.

Jack must have been wearing the pair of them when he died. 'So how did they get here?' And why did he ever insist on giving them back the day before?

'God, Jack, I'm sorry. I never should have insisted...I...You were right, they would have understood. I am sorry. But I guess it's a little late to tell you that now.'

~~~

As long as Daniel held onto that slip of tin, he felt as if he held a piece of Jack in his hands and Jack was never that far away. The two of them had been very careful when at work. Sometimes he thought maybe Sam or Teal'c had a suspicion about the two of them, but they never voiced it. It would just be a considering glance sent their way, soon forgotten.

Just yesterday, they had cleaned out the apartment, removing all traces of Jack's ever living there. It was one of the most painful moments of his life causing a huge rift between them. After three years, Jack was tired of hiding a part of his life. He wanted to just be himself around their friends at least. It was only Daniel's instance that it would ruin Jack that had stopped him from yelling out their relationship to the world.

'But the General was coming over too if Jack would just take the time to remember.' Daniel ruthlessly dredged up the arrogant command that had placed the final nail on Jack's coffin. And with the reminder, Jack had silently cleaned his things out of the place, stalked out the door to head home and drop them off. It was the last time Daniel saw Jack alive. A sleek wolf set for hunting, all claws and teeth reeking of suppressed energy, anger embodied in every muscle.

Three hours later, Jack still hadn't returned, and Teal'c had arrived. The time had passed by with Daniel torn between apologizing and convincing himself he was right. The knock on the door had dragged Daniel from the internal argument. With a quick look at the clock, an edge of forbidding entered, slowing time down to a crawl as he answered the door. Knowing it was not Jack on the other side, didn't loosen the raw feeling of impending destruction. He acknowledged Teal'c' greeting with barely a nod and let him in.

Racing for the phone, he quickly dialed Jack's number. The line fed it's bleak beep, beep, beep back at him. Daniel stared at the phone refusing to recognize the tone, and redialed. The empty tone laughed at him once again. The feeling just wouldn't let up. Daniel paced near the phone, redialing the number two more times. The phone refusing to transmit his call.

"Teal'c? I have to go to Jack's."

Teal'c gave Daniel one of those considering stares he was becoming accustomed too, just raised an eyebrow, and followed. The closer Daniel got to Jack's house, the stronger the feeling became. Then they spotted the crowd, and the fire engines, the flashing lights. Daniel stopped the car on the side of the road, barely managing to stop the car before getting out. He took off running down the street, thinking of nothing but reaching Jack's house, nearly collapsing at the gruesome site of the building blackened and torn to shreds, spread out all over the lot, and the surrounding area. It looked as if some great battle had taken place, and Jack being the loser to a giant who just kicked the offending structure to pieces.

Then the world stopped, and Daniel had no way to get off.

#### 3\. One Last Kiss Before Waking

"Come DanielJackson, CaptainCarter will be here soon. You must get ready." Teal'c held his hand out to Daniel.

"I don't want to go, Teal'c." Daniel didn't want to see the grave, didn't want to be reminded of all that he had lost. It would be closing the doorway to a life he was not yet ready to let go.

"You are expected. Colonel O'Neill deserves to be honored, especially by the one he most loved." Remorse coated each word, yet Teal'c remained firm. His own sorrow showed in the impassive dark features, yet he carried on. As must Daniel.

"I'm sorry, Teal'c....I can't." He shook his head, trying to deny the pain in Teal'c' voice, in his face. It was too much to expect him to be there. Daniel would rather stay here, locked away from the world. He couldn't face all the condolences and platitudes from those who never really knew Jack, would never know him. He could barely tolerate Teal'c.

"You can and you will. Come. I will help you." Teal'c pulled the resisting man toward the bath, shoving him in the room with a firm, "get washed, I will find you clothing." He waited at the door until the sound of water streaming from the shower reached him. Satisfied that Daniel was doing as he was told, Teal'c turned toward what was left of Daniel's bedroom.

Teal'c picked through the rubble discarding several items attempting to find sufficient clothing. A shadow from the corner of his eye caught his attention. A dark suit and tie hung in the back of the closet, still in the wrappings from the cleaners. It was the only piece to survive the devastation of Daniel's breakdown. Underwear, socks, shoes, and a belt were pulled from the remains of the trash strewn upon the floor, remarkably in good order with little damage.

He took the items to the bathroom, and knocked on the door. The shower cut off, and Daniel appeared at the door wrapped in nothing but a towel. Teal'c held the clothing out, whatever he had been about to say abruptly cut off as Daniel turned even paler.

"I can't wear that!"

"There is nothing else, DanielJackson."

Daniel sighed and accepted the clothes, closing the door, locking Teal'c out as a fresh wave of grief descended. He would have to find the suit, the one he wore on their first date. God, could things get any worse?

Struggling to maintain what little composure he had, Daniel shaved and dressed. He knew Teal'c waited just outside the door and wouldn't hesitate to break the door down. His hands shook as he smoothed the wrinkles from the dark blue fabric. He straightened the tie for the tenth time, trying to find a sense of calm to present when he left this little sanctuary. Once he opened the door, there would be no going back, no more pretending, no more denying. He brushed imaginary lint from his shoulders, ran his fingers through his hair one last time, and with a shaky breath, opened the door.

"Colonel O'Neill would approve. "

"Thank you, Teal'c." A knock at the front door made Daniel jump.

"CaptainCarter is here." Teal'c answered the door and Sam stood there holding a bag and suit obviously his. With a nod of thanks, he took the clothing and retreated toward the back.

"Hello, Daniel." Her eyes were red rimmed with what looked liked hours of crying. She was in her dress uniform, little make-up, and her blond hair brushed back. It was simple, efficient, and most of all just as Jack would have looked.

"Sam." It came out as a half choke, half sob but Daniel held on, pulling Sam into a tight embrace.

"It will be okay, Daniel." She mumbled from his shoulder.

"No, it won't." He returned with a deep sigh. "The pain will never go away."

"Time. It will just take time." She looked up into Daniel's eyes, seeing the lie for what it was reflected back into her own. She pulled back after one more brief hug, brushing Daniel's jacket.

"I seem to have gotten you all wet." She gave a weak smile which Daniel returned. Teal'c appeared at that moment, the dark grey suit accenting his dark good looks. Both Sam and Daniel were taken aback at the change in the Jaffa. It was rare to see Teal'c out of uniform and neither of them had seen Teal'c in any formal attire before.

"This is not acceptable?"

"Oh no, Teal'c. You look very...." Sam struggled for the right word.

"Striking?" Daniel offered with just the barest hint of humor.

"Handsome," Sam firmly added. She looked at her watch. "Well, it's time. We have to go." Sam and Teal'c walked out the door, leaving Daniel alone for a moment to collect his thoughts. He picked up his dog tags from the shelf by the door and added Jack's. He tucked the chain under his collar leaving the tags to lie over his tie. It was the least he could do for Jack. Sadly, he walked out closing the door with a soft click.

~~~

'It was a beautiful service', Daniel thought as he sat on one of the cold folding chairs used at the gravesite. Everyone had left to mill around the cars talking quietly among themselves, leaving Daniel to watch as the casket was lowered into the cold, dark, barren ground. He pulled and tugged on his jacket sleeves, not wanting to leave just yet. There were things he wanted to say. Things he needed to say. Before he said his final good-byes.

"Well Jack, this is not how I envisioned our life." He began, halting to dry his eyes. "I am so very sorry for everything I said. You were right, they would have understood. But now, its too little too late."

"Daniel..."

"Jack...?" tears shining in his eyes, Daniel glanced up to find Jack sitting next to him. "Why is it, every time I hurt you always seem to appear?"

"Because I love you. You're a part of me, I'm a part of you. Simple." Jack smiled. "I'll always be right here." He emphasized his point by placing his hand right over Daniel's heart.

"I never told you, but when I was trapped on PX392K, all I thought about was you."

"I know. I was there."

"You were there?"

"Yeah, Space Monkey. How do you think you got home?"

Laughing, Daniel enjoyed this precious time with Jack. "I had no idea. You just looked so sad and unhappy, I never had the heart to ask. That's where I first realized I was in love with you."

"Well, if its any consolation, me too." Jack gave a little bashful half smile, before continuing on. "Promise me something?"

"What?"

"Promise me, you'll go home to Abydos." Jack looked incredibly serious.

"Jack, my home is here!" Daniel was absolutely shocked.

"No, it's not Daniel, not anymore. I want you to have a life. You can't have that here."

"No, Jack. You can't ask that of me. That's unfair."

"No it's not. It's probably the best thing I've ever done. You were right Daniel. The whole time. All of it." Jack stood and ran his hands through his hair. "I've been selfish. I pulled you away from Sha're, and the only home you've ever known, just because I wanted you, needed you. Without any thought to what you might need. Go home Daniel. Sha're needs you, and you need her."

"Jack, I have no intention of going back there. I'm in love with you, not Sha're. I never was, well not really. This is where you are, and this is where I want to be."

"Yeah, but I'm dead Daniel. You're not."

"Jack..."

"No, Daniel. It's time. We've had a good three years. I got a chance to live a dream, the happiest years of my life. You still have your whole life ahead of you, and I'm not going to stand in the way of that."

"Jack, you of all people should know what it's like to be married to someone you don't truly love."

"Sha're doesn't care Daniel. She's like me, just happy to have a piece of you. Didn't you ever wonder why it took her so long to get home? She did it for you Daniel. Now do this for her, do it for me. Go, she'll make you happy, give you children. That's something we would never have been able to do."

"I don't want Sha're, Jack, nor was having kids all that important to me. You are. NO! I'm not going!"

"Daniel...." Jack was getting tired of this argument. "It's all gone. Everything. The SGC has already cleaned out my office, my locker. All that's left is this little piece of metal," Jack fingered the tag hanging from Daniel's neck. "As long as you carry this, I'll always be with you."

Sadly Daniel looked up into the chocolate pools which held a life time's worth of sorrow. This was very hard on Jack. And Daniel's own pain wasn't making it any easier.

"I can't do it Jack, not yet. Don't ask me to."

"Yes,...you can...for me."

"Sometimes Jack, you are the stupidest man I know."

"You'll see Daniel. Please, just do as I ask. Think of it as a last request." Jack's voice started to fade away. "I'll always love you, Danny."

"Jack! Jack! Don't go..."

Hearing Daniel shout, Sam and Teal'c run over. Both suddenly stopping in shock as they hear Jack's voice asking:

"Take care of him for me guys. Send him home..."

And Daniel just stood there, tears flowing down his face, lost in another world, one towering with longings unfulfilled.

#### 4\. I Am Made of You

Jack was gone. How many times would he have to tell himself before he began to believe it? Granted, it didn't 'feel' as if Jack was gone. With Jack appearing out of nowhere today, Daniel kept expecting him to materialize beside him. But that wasn't about to happen again. Jack had made it clear, Daniel was to go on with his life.

It hurt. God how it hurt. The tightness in his chest had not lessened, the bands holding fast. Daniel clenched his fists, pushing them down into the seat, vainly trying to control the pain. Breathing in deeply, he sighed blinking the tears back, willing them away by shear force alone. Each breath was an agonizing pant. Daniel would not cry again, his heart unwilling to let go, even if it was just for a short while. He switched back and forth between denial and grief as fast as his body could signal the emotions to react. The anger at least had passed quickly enough.

Daniel stared vacantly out the window, barely paying attention to the passing scenery. What a way to start out Spring, the season of birth and renewal. God, what a joke. The ride back to his apartment was relatively quiet, the radio the only sound to break the monotony of the journey. Sam and Teal'c sat silently up front, lost in their own thoughts. The wipers swished back and forth in the drizzle, timing themselves to each breath. Or was it the other way around?

Whatever, the day was a perfect match to Daniel's mood...somber and depressing. Darkness approached on the horizon, the black cloud hovering in the distance gleefully awaiting their arrival to spill forth its cargo. He had to get out of this car. The oppresive silence hung in the air, making it difficult to breathe. Anxiety pressed down, weighting the stillness, thickening the atmosphere to concrete. He grabbed frantically for the door, intending to open it when Teal'c spoke.

"DanielJackson, I do not think that is a good idea." Teal'c accentuated his point by placing a calming hand on Daniel's knee.

"Ah, I...uh, suppose not." Some of the apprehension leached off as Daniel returned back from precipice. It was humbling to realize he almost jumped from a moving vehicle. Sighing, he leaned back into the seat, listening as the rain hit, tiny hoofs thundering across the hood.

"Daniel, are you okay?"

"Sorry. Wasn't thinking. Actually I was thinking too much." He added with a slight grimace.

"We're almost home. Hang in there."

"Yeah, sure." Daniel reached out for a voice that refused to answer. Silently pleading with Jack to just hold his hand, touch his cheek, anything to let him know he was there. Help him get through this moment. He could survive anything, so long as he had something of Jack close by, even Jack's death. The mournful plea went unanswered.

"And up next we have a new ballad from Ricky Martin, 'I am made of you'." The annoying voice of the announcer cut through the funk that had been settling over Daniel. The haunting melody rang out, stretching every nerve ending to life. The words brilliantly etched deep within the core of his soul, the strain reminding him intimately of Jack.

"I came a long way From out of nowhere I stand before you All alone Like a wolf's cry in the distance I heard the calling Of your soul Oh...I hear you cryin"

Sam looked back checking on Daniel only to find him staring off into space, softly weeping. The song lazed in the stiffling air, the strings tuning her own hurt alive. She leaned over slightly to turn the damn thing off.

"No...Don't."

"Sorry. I didn't realize you were listening to it."

'Liar', a sad voice whispered near her ear.

'Jack?' It was a slight shock to hear his voice. The car swerved on the slick pavement as Sam whiped her head around.

Teal'c turned, detecting the murmur as well.

"Did you hear something, CaptainCarter?"

Seeing nothing in the brief glance, Sam dolefully shrugged her shoulders. "Wishful thinking, Teal'c." But she could have sworn she heard Jack's voice. Instead Sam turned up the volume, hoping to drown out the hush of the absent tongue, the poignant refrain a poor substitute for their missing element.

"I am made of you You are made of me And everything you are Is what I'm meant to be I am made of you You are made of me And everything I am Is what you made of me Oh...I hear you crying Oh....Through the darkness To the light..."

Yet the song had the desired effect on Daniel. Jack lounged back in the seat, an invisible passenger unable to offer any comfort other than to let the radio convey his feelings. He couldn't hang around, as much as he wanted too, it would be completely unfair. He had told Daniel that, but as usual Daniel wasn't listening. 'Listen Danny,' he pleaded with every fiber, 'Listen and believe.'

"With your love Show me how to live 'Cause you are made of me And I am made of you With your life Show me how to give You are made of me And I am made of you"

Daniel lifted the dog tags from off his shirt. He saw again the clenched fist in his mind's eye holding steadfast even in death. 'Jesus Jack!' He held the answer to his plea in his hands...Jack would always be there, at least in spirit...the two were inseperable. Each tag was one half of a whole. It was the last thought Jack had as he died.

"With your soul Walk my spirit through You are made of me And I am made of you Oh...I hear you crying Through the darkness To the light..."

"He's not going to come back, is he?"

"No, DanielJackson, he is not."

~~~

The next six months were the hardest, nothing having prepared Daniel for the sudden loss, not even his parents death could compare. For that matter, nothing had prepared him to love so deeply either. Loving Jack had been one of the greatest gifts of his life.

He had tried to bury himself in work, anything to not think, not remember each gentle look, to ache for his caress. A week after Jack's death, he returned to the SGC. General Hammond had taken one look at his man, and refused to send him out any missions. At the moment he was a loose canon, and Daniel would have been a liability to the team and himself. The General was not in the habit of granting death wishes.

Instead Daniel had been confined to the SGC, awaiting clearance from Janet which didn't seem to be coming any time soon. So he sat in his office examining the artifacts brought back by the various teams, doing exactly what Jack had wanted him to in the first place. Life held little joy anymore.

When he left work, he went straight home, cleaning every square inch of the apartment. Sometimes he stayed late to work out in the gym, trying to wear himself out, so that he could just fall into an exhausted sleep. Janet had even prescribed some anti-depressants, but they had little effect. He was always tired, and sleep became nearly impossible. If Daniel managed to get in a good three hours, it was a miracle. Everything reminded him of Jack, the empty bed being the most difficult to handle. He couldn't count the nights he lay there trying to sleep, slowly sailing off into the satiny folds of dreams only to reach over, grasp barren bedding, and instantly waken. The will to live was gone.

"God, I can't take this anymore."

"Daniel, why don't you take a vacation?" Sam leaned against the doorway very concerned, her arms rapped around her chest. She didn't know what to do. Janet didn't have any ideas either. Daniel resisted every offer of help. He had lost a lot of weight, living on coffee for the most part. His prominent cheek bones accentuated the dark circles under his lack luster eyes. The once brilliant golden brown hair turned dark, matching the hurt and pain that still had not found an outlet. Streaks of grey began to coat the strands. He looked like the walking dead, slowly fading right before her eyes. He hadn't cried once since coming home from the funeral.

"And go where, Sam? There's no place I 'want' to go." The despair leaching from his voice scared Sam more than anything else up to this point. Daniel was giving up.

"Come on. I'm taking you out. We're going to get rip roaring drunk."

Sighing, Daniel leaned his head into his hands. "Yeah, okay, whatever."

He rose from the desk, and grabbed his jacket. His clothes drapped over his frame, the cloth falling as if hung on a hanger rather than a six foot male. Anything to get out of here for a while. The memories were threatening to crash down again anyway. He was surrounded by images of Jack. Jack sitting across from his desk, Jack strolling across the room, picking up this artifact and that figurine. Jack smiling as he teased him. Jack struggling to communicate the time he lost the ability to speak English.

Daniel paused at the entrance, looking back into the pristine chamber, seeing it as it had been when Jack was alive. Dust settling onto every surface, clutter on the counter tops, research strewn across the desk, bits of paper littering the floor as he worked. The office looked empty now, sterile. No soul, no heart, no fire. Jack wasn't the only one gone.

Daniel closed the door and wearily followed Sam down the concrete hallway.

~~~

The tavern sported a simple elegance that seemed to encourage its customers to make themselves comfortable and stay awhile. It was just the type of place Jack would have loved. Big, thick cushions on the chairs, in varying dark colors, with side rails to rest an arm or a knee tossed carelessly over the side. Wide wooden tables for stacking endless cans or bottles side by side. A large screen television currently playing the game from last night, not too loud or too soft, just somewhere in between.

Sam leaned back in her chair, using one foot to hook another chair over and crossed her feet, resting them on the soft surface. She tilted her head, her short blond hair falling off to the side, trying to think of a way to get Daniel to open up.

"You look just like Jack when you do that." Leaning heavily on his crossed elbows, Daniel spoke voicing Sam's own thoughts.

"Funny, I was just going to say the same about you."

Daniel shrugged, responding to the half smile playing about Sam's lips. "I guess when you know someone well enough, they start to rub off on you."

Sam was stunned speechless. While everyone had known the truth about the pair of them since Jack had died, this was the first time Daniel actually spoke of it himself.

"Sorry..." A glimmer of a smile played across his lips at Sam's reaction.

A waitress chose that moment to approach their table.

"What'll you have?"

"Beer, whatever you have on tap, and keep it coming." Sam had come back to life, slapping the table, as she sat up straighter in the chair. Daniel nodded his head in agreement, and the waitress retreated to fill their order.

"Well...that was a bit surprising."

"Didn't mean to shock you. Sorry."

"Daniel would you quit saying sorry? I mean... I knew, but.....well... you never talked about Jack and you that way, so it was sort of..." Sam gave up, shrugging helplessly.

The waitress returned with a pitcher of beer, and two mugs. Sam poured one for herself and Daniel, wondering how in the heck to get over the embarassed flush on her cheeks.

Daniel did smile sadly then, taking the mug and answered the unspoken question hovering in the air.

"Um,...Three...three years," he stuttered.

Sam sputtered, nearly spilling her beer. "Three years!? I'd only begun to even suspect a couple of months..." she stopped, not sure how to go on.

"It's okay Sam, you can say it, before Jack died. I've gotten used to saying it myself over the last couple of months. I can't even hear his voice anymore."

"Hear his voice?"

"Sometimes..." Daniel paused sipping his beer, knowing that what he was about to say would really make her think he was crazy, but finally not caring. "I used to hear his voice. Jack would talk to me, and I..." he shook the feeling of impending doom off. "I would talk back."

"You know, I could have sworn I heard him in the car on the way home from funeral." Sam offered tentatively, not sure of Daniel's reaction, but happy that she wasn't the only one to hear Jack's voice from time to time. Like he was still in the room. Lately, he had sounded very angry, berating her to get Daniel back to Abydos.

*Yeah, 'Liar' I believe was the word.* came the angry man's voice in her ear.

Daniel looked up sharply. "Did you hear that?"

*Don't you dare say a word Sam. Just get him drunk and put him on the next worm hole to Abydos.*

"No..." she stammered.

"Sam, you don't lie very well. He's here isn't he?"

"Daniel, I have no idea what you are talking about."

"Oh, that's just great! Now he's enlisted you in this crazy idea of going back to Abydos hasn't he? That's why we are here? Well I'm not going Jack!"

"Daniel, lower your voice."

"I'm not going Sam. Whatever reasons Jack might have given you, I'm not going back. Just get that idea out of your head right now."

"Calm down Daniel. I have no intentions on sending you anywhere. But I do agree that you look as if you could use a vacation. Why not take a trip back east? Or there's a dig in Eygpt right now. I'm sure they could use a spare hand or two."

"I don't know, Sam. I just feel Jack's spirit really close here. And if I leave? I know if I leave I'll lose what little remains of Jack... forever. I can't accept that."

"And that's part of the problem Daniel. You 'need' to get away from your memories of Jack for a while. Look at yourself. When was the last time you had a decent meal?"

"I don't know,....a couple of days ago?"

"What did you have?"

"How should I know? As I recall, you put it in from of me. I ate it. End of story."

"Daniel, you had four bites and the rest I threw away. You're killing yourself, slowly but surely. You're nothing but skin and bones. And it's starting to scare me."

"Sam, I'm fine."

"Damn it Daniel, no you are not! Even you should be able to see that." Sam tried another tactic. "Why don't you go see Teal'c and his family?"

"Sam, I don't want to go anywhere. Jack is here."

"And when was the last time he talked to you? Huh? Tell me that Daniel."

"The funeral." He said as he took a sip of the beer to hide his answer.

"And why do you think that is? Are you even thinking clearly Daniel? Jack is gone."

"All Right! If it will make you shut up, I'll go."

"Thank you!"

"You're welcome. Now can I please just sit here and enjoy my beer?"

'I hope you know what you are doing Jack.' Sam quietly said under her breath.

~~~

Daniel had little to pack, just a couple pairs of socks, some underwear. He wouldn't need much else. He said his goodbyes to the General, Janet, Cassandra, Teal'c, and last of all Sam. It was hardest of all to say goodbye to her. Looking into Sam's sparkling blue eyes, Daniel read her final goodbyes. She knew as well as he that this would be forever. Daniel was not coming back.

It was time to move on.

The gate opened, and with one last long look, he stepped through.

"Goodbye Daniel. Have a nice life." Sam walked away, knowing that Daniel was right that day at the bar. He's not going to come back. There's nothing left here for him but bad memories. "I'll miss you."

#### 5\. Epilog: Life after Love

"Well, was I right?"

"Yes, yes you were Jack."

"I knew Sha're would give him something to live for."

"How did you know?"

"Because Sha're loves him. And in his own way, Daniel has loved her all along. I was in the way, Sam."

"Sometimes you amaze me Jack."

"So, what do you think of his son?"

"His son? Where?"

"Look in his arms Sam."

"Oh, wow! Do you know his name?"

"Silly question. What do you think?"

"Oh."

Sam crept back from the edge of the hill, gathering the rest of the team with her as she went.

"Time for us to go home."

~~~

Daniel didn't see SG-1 watching from the hill. He was too busy staring into dark brown eyes that were remarkably familiar. He might not have Jack, but it seemed as if he held a piece of him in his arms. It was scientifically impossible, but the baby had Jack's eyes. He sighed, looking for all the world lost and alone. A song drifted along the cords of memory, the words spilling out as Daniel rocked the baby to sleep.

"I am made of you..." A bittersweet smile flitted across Daniel's face as he tucked the baby into bed. Sha're looked on them, hearing the familiar song, hurting for Daniel all the while.

"We'll walk together Through the fire Through the darkness To the sun Like two raging rivers full of passion At the ocean We are one Oh...I hear you cryin"

~~~

Sha're had been waiting on the other side. She was both happy and sad. She had her Daniel back, but she doesn't think the cost was worth it.

"Hello my Daniel."

"Sha're."

"So he is gone then?"

"Yes."

"Come, I will feed you."

She took his hand, and pulled him along to the village. Daniel spent a quiet evening at his old home, sharing times past with Sha're's father, falling back into the old routines, laughing for the first time in months. As the evening turned to night, Sha're called him to bed, holding him as his grief returned full force. Daniel wept out all the pain he had been holding back since the day of Jack's funeral. It had taken six months, but Daniel had finally accepted Jack's death. He couldn't let go of Jack until now. The closing of the gate had such a finality to it, that acceptance was forced upon him. The deep voice no longer whispered in his ear and the silence was deafening.

~~~

A year had passed since Daniel returned, leaving him somewhat whole again. His color had returned due in part to the unforgiving Abydos sun and Sha're's force feeding him until he begged off claiming he would burst. Her gentle laughter crept into the dark, empty place slowly healing the scars. It would take time as Sam had told him, but Daniel knew he would survive. The pain would never go away, but he *would* heal.

He tucked the corner of the blanket around the baby, as the heat of the day slowly leached off into the night's coming chill. He looked up to see Sha're standing in the doorway. He walked over to her, laying a gentle hand against her cheek. She leaned into the warmth, rubbing her face against his palm grown rough with hard work.

"Go my Daniel. The stars await."

Daniel placed a tender kiss on her brow. He breathed in the fresh desert scent of her hair as he pulled Sha're into a quick embrace. Turning from the dark eyes reflected with his pain, Daniel drifted into the coming night.

He wandered over the dunes, the long shift blowing in the breeze stopping only when he reached the opening of the gate room. He stared at the hard planes, and cool surface of the rings, not knowing what he was doing there or why. It was just something he had to do. It had been a year. A long year filled with both happy memories and sad, but each was coated with a longing for something, someone else. He couldn't stay here in this room. It hurt too much to look at his past. It symbolized the beginning and the end. With one last plea, he whispered to the gate, begging it open.

It didn't.

"I've done as you asked, Jack." He murmured, fiercely pledging, "but every piece, I swear with all that I am...every piece belongs to you."


	4. The Twelve Things I Never Said

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Memories come unbidden when Daniel stumbles across a bit of his past.

Circa 2019...

The youth watched from a respectful distance waiting to be acknowledged. Years spent studying the man told him his father was not even here. He was in another time, another place. Just like the Gate Room. The young man sighed, brushing long dark hair from his eyes.

"You should just tie it back, Neil."

"Sorry, Dad. I didn't mean to disturb you."

"Just thinking. Are they here yet?"

Daniel turned and for one moment, the boy saw the man his father had been. Saw the room flashback to a time when it's walls were filled with books and the strange trappings of many peoples and many times, hung on the walls. When his eyes shone with the bright blue of a summer sky instead of the haunted smoky depths he'd become used to over his life. Golden brown hair framing a laughing face in place of the quiet man he now knew so well. Then the vision faded away leaving only the father with an amused grin flitting across his face.

"Uh, yeah. Just pulled up. You sure about this?"

"Yes, very sure."

Neil had to try one more time to reason with his father. "You would be more comfortable at home, surrounded by family. I could have your things sent..." Warm, brown eyes pleaded, 'Just this once, listen to me.'

"I am home, son."

"A lot has changed, Dad. It's been twenty years."

"So you keep telling me." Daniel gave his son a brief hug, but this conversation was over. He was home...back on Earth. He tossed his pack on the floor and began to roll up the sleeves of his tunic.

Giving up, Neil Jackson stalked from the room to greet the movers, his upset as always, short lived. By the time he had reached the men the sardonic grin was firmly in place. He had the graceful flowing movements of his mother, the bronzed tones of her people, with only his height to be attributed to his father, all six feet of him. But it was not his physical features that so endeared the youth to his heart. It was his keen wit, sarcastic comebacks, and loving nature. Dressed in jeans and light T-shirt, he acted so much like his namesake...Jack. So very much.

Well, time to get to work. He might be 'gettin on in years' as his son liked to say, but there was life left in this old man yet. At fifty-five he still had the body of a forty year old. The only thing missing was his hair. And what was left...well that had turned grey within five years of moving to Abydos. The deliverymen coughed, and Daniel shook off his wayward thoughts, proceeding to direct traffic for the next three hours.

~~~

"Oh lord, am I glad that's over! I've got to run some errands then I'll be back later tonight. You need me to get anything before I run off, Dad?"

"You know what I want?" Daniel looked up from the box he was currently 'excavating', an expression of remembered bliss on his face.

"What?" Ice cream? Chocolate? Donuts? This planet was just full of the interesting things to eat and Neil planned to try them all. And if it had sugar, so much the better.

"I want one *very* large cup of coffee." Daniel purred the word like some sort of personal mantra, a beacon of light in a storm tossed sea.

Laughing, Neil grabbed his keys. "I'll run down to the 7-11. I'm sure they'll have some."

"Hey! And grab some sandwiches while you're at it."

"Sure thing, Dad. Be right back."

Daniel picked up the ever-growing pile of personal items next to his leg and headed off toward his new bedroom. The apartment was nice in a sterile sort of way. Functional. Covered the basics, living room, kitchen, bedroom, and bath. It's not as if he would be entertaining that much, just Neil and maybe Sam or Teal'c once in while. After all, they were still around. It would be good to see them again. Sam was retired now, but Teal'c...he was still happily traipsing about the Universe. Commanded his own team in fact. And after Neil finished his stint with the Air Force Academy, he'd be working with the SGC.

'Following in his father's footsteps. Well, not mine, Jack's.' Neil had the heart of a warrior and had wanted to go to Earth for as long as Daniel could remember. Wanted to be out among the stars, exploring, protecting, living. Going so far as to drag Teal'c off to the training rings on the infrequent visits the Jaffa had made to Abydos. Asking for books from Sam so that he would be prepared for college. This is what Neil lived and breathed for and Daniel could only teach the active young man so much. It was time to bring him to Colorado Springs. Without Sha're's presence, well there was nothing to hold him to the arid desert lands any longer. Yes, time to go home.

So caught up in his thoughts, Daniel tripped over a carton sending the items in his hands flying. "Great, just great." It wasn't enough that the apartment was littered with cardboard, but he had to add to the mess. Irritated, he ended up kicking a small shoe box that fell open spilling its contents all over the floor. Paper, odds and ends, and a single yellowed photograph scattered over the carpet.

Shaking, Daniel reached for the box. It had been Jack's. Thought lost with everything else from Jack's house. Daniel found it hidden it in the furthest corner of his closet. Somehow he never found the nerve to open it after his death. Just left it behind with all the other memories he wanted to forget.

And now, twenty years later, the wound was still as fresh and raw as the day he found Jack's body. He didn't want to know what was in here. It was enough that it *was* Jack's. A piece of him. His handwriting on the aging pages. Things that were important to *him*. Even after years of being locked away in climate controlled storage, the spicy scent of his cologne still clung to the box. In that moment, Daniel felt closer to Jack than he had in a long time. The way he did when Jack was alive. He could almost feel the warmth of Jack's arms around him. His lips against his.

"Is that him?"

Startled, Daniel fell back on his haunches, his hold loosening on the box once more. "Wha...What?"

"Sorry. The picture...." Neil plucked it up effortlessly handing his father his coffee in the process. "Colonel O'Neill?"

"Yes."

"You look...happy. Good day?" Neil handed the picture back.

Snorting, Daniel let the memories wash over him. "I looked like I was hit by a truck! I, um, was trapped on a planet, wounded and half out of my mind when Jack found me. After I got home, Janet had me on pain killers that made me, well, er, *happy*. And Jack volunteered to play nursemaid. For four solid weeks. Sam captured the whole thing in pictures."

"Ah, blackmail." Neil leered as he sorted through some of the other things on the floor.

"Um, Neil. Just leave it. I'll get it. You have things to do. Remember? Air Force Academy? Plane ride tomorrow?"

"Uh, Dad? What's this?"

Too late. Oh well, the best laid plans of mice and men. Daniel cringed afraid of what his son might be holding now. This little trip down memory lane was not exactly his idea of a fun.

In his palm nestled a small silver chain.

'Oh no, no, no, no, no.' The coffee fell from nerveless fingers, hitting the carpet with barely a noise. Daniel never noticed, his brain finally 'seeing' what had been in front of him all along. Three years. Three years of his life. Of Jack's life. Of their life, together. "I can't do this, Neil. Just put it away."

"Dad?"

"Just put it in the box!" Trying to distract his raging emotions, Daniel righted his coffee, dabbing at the minor spill with an old T-shirt. It could have been worse. The lid could have come off.

"Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell."

"Hey, it's okay. He was your best friend. I understand."

No, he didn't understand! How could he!? Fire flashed in Daniel's eyes before slowly fading away. It was not Neil's fault. "Yeah..."

"Um....Dad?"

"What?"

"I..uh...I...ah...think you should read this. It's addressed to you." Neil keep his eyes glued to the floor, his face flaming as he handed the paper to his father. "And I think you really *need* to read it. I'm just gonna...go...do... something."

"Neil..."

"I know, I love you too. I'll be back later tonight."

"Thank you." Daniel squeezed his son's hand tight.

"No problem....Pops." One last cheeky grin and the young man disappeared.

~~~

That damn box sat in the middle of his bed while he finished cleaning up the rest of the room. The furniture polished, all traces of dust and grime, gone. The clothes, freshly laundered, folded and put away. The boxes broken down and tossed into the other room. All the while, the innocent little piece of cardboard tortured him with its presence. He stopped several times, sitting on the bed, his hand fluttering over the lid before jumping back up to pace the room and clean some more.

He had to stop this. It was just a box for god's sake. Just bits and pieces of the past. 'Just gonna hurt like hell.'

Daniel lifted the lid.

'See, Danny Boy, the world didn't end.' So nice of his conscious to use Jack's voice over the years. Or when he needed a good smacking around. Breathing a sigh of relief, Daniel pulled out photo first. He'd left out a few very important details. Like the fact that the thought of Jack playing nursemaid still sent him into stitches.

'You *had* to be there, Neil.'

Jack, too deliriously happy to have Daniel back, tripping over things because he couldn't keep his eyes anywhere but on Daniel. Daniel trying to walk and several times they both ended up on the floor. The stolen kisses. The feather light touches. The sponge baths where they both ended up soaked and well, needing yet another bath. Especially toward the end of his convalescence.

He put the photo to the side, lifting the aged letter out next. He had no idea what this was, but Neil said it was addressed to him. Something Jack never mailed? The words were nothing more than a spidery blur. Between the shaking of his hands and the water flooding his eyes Daniel was never going to be able to read the damn thing. Several steadying breaths later, his body stilled and the words began to make sense.

Hey ya, Daniel.

(Hey, Jack.)

I guess if you are reading this I'm no longer around.

(No shit.)

I know you've seen this box a time or two, but I want you to understand what it means to me. What everything in it means. I hope that in our life together I finally managed to tell you myself, but just in case, this is my back up.

(Oh, Jack...)

The Things I Never Said (or said Enough).

1\. You are my life. Everything that was ever good and decent about me was because of you.

2\. You saved me, Daniel. Saved me from myself. Gave me my life back.

3\. You showed me what it really meant to love and be loved. And it isn't measured in 'things' but in how much you give of yourself.

4\. I belong to you. Always have, always will.

5\. I've never met anyone who gave me trust the way you do. It was always there, even from the beginning.

6\. And I always did love how your eyes would just light up at the smallest thing. Like when I took you out to dinner one night for no reason.

7\. How you never took us for granted. Always questioning, reminding, doing. Thank you for that.

8\. And did I ever tell you how much I admired your intelligence? Yeah, you were 'way smarte'r than me, but it was one of the first things I loved about you.

9\. Can't forget your courage. I've never met anyone who could stomach half the shit you do on the job and still stay sane, all without training. You are one brave man.

10\. Happiness is found in a box of Chocolate pudding. You make me do the craziest things.

11\. I love you, Daniel Jackson. I know I've said that before, but not nearly enough. So I'm saying it again.

12\. Finally, I'm sorry. Sorry for a lot of things. For the times *I* didn't trust you. Or for not letting you take things at your own pace. Pushing when I should have pulled back. And I'm sorry you have to read this instead of hearing it from me yourself. I should have told you long ago, I just didn't know how.

Awe hell, Daniel. I'm no good at this mushy stuff. I know there's more. I'll just add them later.

Always,

Jack

~~~

Daniel folded the note, placing it back in the box. Now he knew why he'd never opened this box. Somehow it had never been the right time or it hurt too much. Filled with too many reminders of the past. The picture. A piece of fabric torn from his old robes. A length of chain from a set of old nipple clamps. Jack's sunglasses. A child's drawing saved from one of their missions, among other things. And concealed on the bottom loving wrapped in cotton cloth...a set of tags...the missing one from the set he had given Jack as a joke and one Jack had made himself. Property of Daniel Jackson, Property of Jack O'Neill, side by side.

'Oh god.'

Each a bread crumb into the private thoughts of a man once known as Colonel Jack O'Neill, his former lover, former lifemate. All the old memories came crashing down. The nights they fell asleep holding each other, loving each other. The dangers they faced side by side every time they walked through the Stargate. The fights. The laughter. Cradling Jack as he slept off the effects of yet another attack of some bug. Jack doing the same for him. The games they played with their hands when they thought no one was looking under the table in the mess hall. The silent touches of comfort and the erotic darting caresses designed to tease.

Tears poured down his face as Daniel put the last of the memorabilia away. He tucked the box safely in the farthest corner of his closet shelf. These were memories of a time best left alone. It would never be a good time to take them out to play. It hurt too much.

'I never meant to make you sad, Daniel. I just wanted to leave you a piece of me.'

'I'd of rather had you, Jack.'


	5. Memories Of A Lesser Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, sex. *snicker* It's is a PWP, ya know? Just sit back and enjoy the ride.

It was a day, just like any other; simple, light breeze coming off the coast, the heat climbing into the eighties. Locked in the endless cycle of an existence that repeated itself over and over again, with little to break the boredom.

It was a song on the radio that started the drifting memories, the ones that couldn't help but sear as they healed. A soft Spanish melody wrapped in remembrances of a treasure nearly forgotten. A tiny erotic smile frozen forever in the stillness; a snapshot that time blurred more and more with each passing year. It wouldn't be long now before it all faded completely.

His fingers felt numb from constantly carving the rock into shapes that only He could understand; the refuse falling as tiny bits of sand into the murky waters of the deep blue sea, so fine was his touch. A hand which had once been master to the greatest silk ever known to man. His fingers gliding over its surface, noting every dip, every nook, every blemish, memorized with care, unerringly lingering over each imperfection, loving it all the more because of them. The heat that would rise, mimicking the cries of its creator as his art spun out of control, writhing, spinning, sighing. Perfection. The gift once embedded into the swirls of his fingertips, the ghost of its touch lasting until he could no longer control the wanting and once again fell into need to touch.

Now all his hands held was cold, deadened stone that failed to come to life. His fingers numb from the chill, callused from repeated handling of the course mineral. The fluid grace which he once commanded, dancing across the folds and valleys, forgotten as his fingers took up the rock, preparing to sluice away yet another grain to try and find the beauty hidden beneath. And still the sparkling rock mocked his attempts to make it live, keeping its secrets to itself.

Dropping the husk into the water's playful edge, the man plodded across the beach toward his home of the last twenty five years. Twenty five long years of waiting for the magic to return. Waiting, and waiting, knowing that one day it would come again. So he waited. Alone. Locked in his gilded prison, hands empty, the sense memory faded to nothing.

He could no more cling to the magic, than it could to him. Not when he did not live. But he could remember. Remember what it was like when he did. Remember what *life* had once smelled like.

Like spring. Freshly mown grass, and wheat rising from a newly sowed field. A warm, gentle rain coating his skin, kissing the bare patches, revitalizing, invigorating, adding years onto his life. The magic smelled like sweat, and heat, and love, and more. All tumbling over each other to be the first to be felt, smelt, and tasted once again. The bitter morsels flooded his tongue. This is what it meant to leave someone behind.

And the magic had a name...

A tear slid from the corner of his eye, making a path for the others to follow. One after the other, nary a sound did he make as they rolled down his cheeks in silent surrender to the song of pain. Simply let the words of the ballad flow over him as he stood staring at the offending instrument willing it to silence. It was so much easier to bear this waiting in silence, or in the haunting strains of Led Zeppelin, but not this...not this one song did he ever want to hear again. At least not until time resumed its march across the universe and the waiting complete.

He never felt the arms surround him, hold him within their embrace. Never felt the brush of lips across his nape, for he was too numb with the passing of years, and the brush of memory. Never heard the sound of his name, so lost was he in the past. So the other merely held on as the tune played out, and played yet again. By the third rendition, the man was shaking, only the strength of the other's arms keeping him upright.

Pulling himself free from the captivity of the cobwebs of the past, he stumbled blindly for the solace of his room, collapsing haphazardly on the bed, the tears falling unimpeded onto the coverings. Still he was silent, his body racked with his attempts to suppress his pain, with only the sound of his harsh, broken breathing filling the air. A hand lay on his hip unnoticed.

As the man settled, the song filtered in from the porch, playing yet again in some sort of weird self-designed hell. A melody he hadn't heard since the day the magic died. When the fire had burnt out, leaving only the tiny ember of hope to burn brightly in his chest. And that spark blazed, full tilt, demanding attention. He ignored it in favor of rolling over, an arm tossed across his eyes, as image after image played across his internal movie screen.

Slowly his body awoke. Inch, by inch, it responded. Ghosts of the past arose, slowing the picture show to a crawl, entertaining the here and now, with what had already gone. Hands ran up his bare skin. Very male, very masculine hands, well beloved, the memory sharp and clear, the long fingers stopping to tease at the waist band of his shorts. He sucked in a breath as the fingers brushed across his stomach, before they pulled his shorts over his hips and slipped them off slowly, so very slowly, taking away the only barrier between now and then.

And those hands began to create magic. Touching, caressing, loving. Begging as much as they gave. Making his skin spark, come alive, his hair raising just before those fingers lit upon the curve of his neck, following the path down along his shoulder, to his chest, tracing one nipple, then the other. Lower and lower into the dip of hip, following the trail to his groin where his cock, full to the point of pain, begged to be held in an iron grip.

Denied his pleasure, the man thrashed on the bed, tormented by his dream lover. Instead the feather-light caress fell lower, barely letting the passing caress touch the heavy sacks of his balls. Sucking in yet another breath at the taunt, the man raised his knees, knowing, wanting and needing what his lover demanded. Entrance to his body. It was a familiar torment.

He lay exposed before the heated, brilliant gaze in his mind.

Too afraid to move, too afraid to touch, lest he chase away this fervent desire, he let himself float in the magic, the Spanish guitar an accompaniment to his pleasure/pain. He laid open, nothing hidden, not his desire, not his want, not his willing surrender.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting for that needed touch. He could feel it building, higher and higher. He was going to explode. A hot breath feel across his groin just before the burn of a tongue licked along the crease of his ass, up over his balls, and along his cock. He nearly fell off the bed at the intimate touch, arching up, trying to follow the retreating mouth, wanting more. A chuckle floated in the tide of desire.

He needed...

He wanted...

He needed to be...filled...

Slowly, slowly, slowly, he was given it. Slick, hard flesh entered him.

He wanted...MAGIC.

And the magic had a name...he let it float in the ether, terrified that the spell would be broken and this feeling of being filled, of being taken, owned, possessed, needed, wanted....loved...would disappear. He rocked forward, taking his lover deeper within, deeper until flesh met flesh. And it was flesh, silk in motion. His hands rose...felt it hovering just under his fingertips, slick, sweating with suppressed need, shaking.

He touched LIFE. He touched MAGIC. He felt...

He opened his eyes and saw love looking back at him. As dark and as passionate as his sea...waiting. Waiting for *him*. Waiting for him to awake. And the magic had a name...

Heat. Incredible heat filling him. Screaming internally along his nerves, an inferno erupting into each cell, acid pulsing through his blood, marking him forever. And the magic had a name...

The cold disappeared when faced with the fiery storm of Spring demanding entrance. Heady musk rose from his partner, the scent of sex surrounded him, enfolding him in its long forgotten embrace. And the magic had a name...

The man breathed.

The apparition spoke, that beloved erotic smile tugging at his heart. "Took your sweet time."

"You're real..." And he spoke no more, his mouth buried in the taste of his lover, his hands coming alive playing along the familiar hard planes. Hard steel encased in silk. Silk that LIVED and BREATHED. That moaned as his hands found the tiny imperfections. His fingers not only remembering the magic, but sang with it. Pulsing into him as he found his lover's nipples and took one into his mouth. Sucking, nipping, gently scrapping along the sensitized flesh with his teeth as his mate arched up and entered him hard.

His hand tugged at the sun kissed hair in his hands, pulling the man closer to him, to his mouth, seeking to drink in the beloved taste. Wanting this, needing this reconnection of spirit. Drawing the man down, down, down, until his lips hovered mere millimeters above his own, sharing the same space, the same air.

"Mine." And he took his lover, raising his hips, thrusting himself on his partner, their moans spiraling into his throat, becoming one in the same, passing from man to man. Sharing the same voice as they shared the same heart, the same breath, the same soul. Parting slightly, only to sink back together, the flesh willing, wanting, beating together. Reaching for the pinnacle together after so long alone. Pulsing, writhing, spinning out of control into one last cry...

And the magic had a name and his name was....

"Daniel."

Finally.

The End


End file.
